90% of owning a dog is telling it to stop barking.
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You paid for a vanity plate that doesn’t make sense. Good job.
Being a “Hopeless Romantic” sounds kinda depressing. “Pull my chair out for me?” .. “I’d love to, but I’ve given up.”
Me: Ugh I’ve gained so much weight
Him: It’s ok, babe
Me: [my eyes turn black as the sky darkens; a swarm of locusts encircle us; a priest faints and a demonic voice exits my mouth uttering a simple sound] Oh?
Can’t wait to still not buy toilet paper after all this is over.
this morning at 7-eleven i saw a lizard next to the coffee maker and the cashier said “no worries that’s just marvin, he likes the smell”
People are so weird about ventriloquy my gyno hates it
Our friends have canceled our dinner plans 3 nights in a row …. I’m starting to think they really don’t like dinner.
I forgot why I was retracing my steps so I gave up and re-retraced them back to bed.
I realize I’m struggling with this phase of my life but in my defense I wasn’t planning on living this long
YouTube DIY videos be like “turn this $1 pallet into a beautiful dining table with 14 thousand dollars worth of tools”
I told my husband last night that I have a lot of hobbies but I’m not very good at any of them, “like cooking for example” and this man, whom I have fed every single day for 10 years, had the audacity to respond “but there are other hobbies you are good at.”
wife: I TOLD you not to try a 360 with the grocery cart
me: It was really nice when everyone started clapping after they saw I was ok though
If I say, “Don’t worry, I’m on it,” there’s a 98% chance I’m referring to my couch.
ME: I hit my neighbors car.
CAT: I killed my last 4 owners.
ME: YOU CAN TALK!
CAT: …
ME: Wait, what did you just say?
CAT: *blinks*
All I’m saying is if paper beats rock why are rocks used as paperweights?
Me: My head hasn’t been in the right place lately.
GF: You might want to check up your ass.
interviewer: what’s the first thing people notice about you when you enter a room?
me: have i run in screaming? probably the screaming
interviewer: no screaming
me: then it’s my calm demeanor
PitbullPhobia: An extreme or irrational fear of singing alone.
Technically every mocking reply to a crypto bro is an NFT, because it’s a digital record of them being owned
Hot single dads in your area AREN’T WORKING 60 HOURS A WEEK FOR YOU TO AIR CONDITION THE WHOLE NEIGHBORHOOD SHUT THE GODDAMN DOOR.
That’s the last time I go out drinking with you Kevin!
How to end an interview:
1. Thank them for their time.
2. Shake their hand firmly.
3. Firmer.
4. Firmer yet.
5. BREAK HIS HAND YOU MUST WIN
[holding baby] haha oh whoa i thought he’d be slimey but he’s really dry
If you hit people hard enough with a tennis racket they turn into waffles.
grandpa: what do u call a dog in alaska
me: grandpa, no
grandpa: WHAT DO U CALL A DOG IN ALASKA
me: grandpa please
grandpa: A CHILI DOG
me: grandpa, I-
grandpa: WRITE THAT ON YOUR TWEETER
Everybody gangsta til they have diarrhea and a broken zipper
*pushes cart from 20 feet away into cart corral perfectly*
“did you see th-*wife is already calling parents to take the kids for the night*
Are there a lot of abbreviations for Maine or is it just ME?
You know how if a bear is about to attack you, you’re supposed to stand totally still? Your smarter friend that’s running just punkd you.
The remote isn’t working! And the TV’s stuck on Food Network again!
“Are you in the kitchen?”
Yes.
“Honey, that’s the microwave.”