You can’t go by good looks as not everything is as it seems. Remember The Trojan Horse, Snow White’s apple and your ex.
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back in the day, my idiot friends and i used to pump our right fists in the air and say “right arm” instead of “right on” my god how are we still alive
Welcome to Gullible Victim Club.
Lol. I can’t believe you showed up. Now gimme your purse or I’ll stab you.
HR is giving me a hard time because I’ve been starting all my work emails with:
Dearly Beloved
ME:After years dealing with my garbage-
RACCOON:*raccoon noises*
ME:*gets down on one knee* it’s become clear you’re the one for me
RACCOON:
In todays addition of what will we find when we take off our bra…two legos AND a winning lotto ticket! Just kidding that would be so awesome but it was just two legos.
I saw this late last night before bed and it literally haunted my dreams
“You do you” is the nicest way to call someone an idiot.
(after bedtime)
3:DADDY COME INTO MY ROOM!
Me: go to sleep.
3:YOU HAVE TO COME IN BECAUSE I CAN’T HEAR YOU
M: yes you can
3:NO I CAN’T
Let’s call wedding invitations what they are; a bill.
Punctuation Matters. Period.
If Kevin Spacey doesn’t sign his name like this
Kevin E
Then he’s pretty damn stupid…
Pringle’s: Once you pop, the fun don’t stop!
Me: *covered in Pringle’s shards and grease, surrounded by empty tubes* It’s true I’m having the time of my life
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Why did pirates always get just one eye poked out?
When I told my contractor I didn’t want carpeted steps, he gave me a blank stair.
me: do you want to play some ps4?
frenchman: oui
me: no we only have the playstation
CEOs: we are closed, nobody wants to work anymore
also CEOs:
[job interview]
willy wonka: what experience do you have hiding bodies
oompa loompa: i’m sorry i was told this was for a factory position
I hope this email punches you square in the face
No, I don’t need a Fitbit. I can count to 45 by myself.
[SEXTING]
ME: tell me what you likeHER: I really get off on exhibitionism
ME: OK, cool, weird that museums turn you on but cool
Me: I’m not going to spend money on a Halloween costume this year.
Also me: *comes home with 5 Halloween costumes for my dog*
*maintains eye contact while slowly eating an unpealed pineapple*
Me: I just want to be the center of someone’s universe
*has kids*
Also me: Not like that
Mum: Oh I’ve always wanted to try one of these , *leans in* Alexa, what’s your name?
Me:
I now realize that my mom did not actually have eyes in the back of her head. She just did as I do, randomly yell out “stop it” every 30 min
Please be on notice:
From this point forward, I shall tweet exactly whatever autocorrect provides.
I’m sorry if that isn’t exact whet you were expectorant.
Why is it called drunk texting and not ex-communicated?
“want to go grab some dinner?”
*lights cat on fire* sorry I can’t my cats on fire
My hair looks amazing today. I hope I see everybody I hate.
girlfriend: are you really dipping THOSE in honey mustard?
me: yeah babe, the sauce isn’t just for the nuggets
girlfriend: it’s definitely not for the ice cubes in your soda