Fingers crossed that Cupid hits me in the carotid artery.
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A woman just called me ugly and the only thing I could think to say back was “only on the inside”.
You guys, I just submitted a tweet to Twitter, and they accepted it and put it on their website!
Associate at the genius bar at the apple store: hi, how may i help you?
me, plunking my laptop down on the table: i can’t find the lowercase numbers!
Went to see my doctor today and apparently drinking mimosas are not considered a juice cleanse.
Jfc.
I like to take my pants off in the middle of arguments so they end quicker.
She blinded me with science. Fine, it was mace, but she sprayed it very scientifically.
ME: It’s been suggested that you are the average of the 5 people that you spend the most time around. Over time, you actually become similar to them.
ZOOKEEPER: Get out of the penguin exhibit or I am calling the cops.
Me: *laughing in the face of danger*
Danger: *kills me*
Do you ever wake up.
Kiss the person beside you, and just be thankful to be alive.I did.
Not really appreciated on flights apparently
Removed my spanx slip and accidentally ricocheted myself into the neighbors backyard.
I went to a gender reveal for a litter of puppies and it went: good girl, good boy, good boy, good girl, good girl, good boy.
55 burgers 55 fries 55 tacos 55 fries 55 cokes 100 tater tots 100 pizzas 100 tenders 100 meatballs 100 coffees 55 wings 55 shakes 55 pancakes 55 pastas 55 peppers and 155 taters
You’re in his DMs, I’m outside his window with a JBL speaker streaming Taylor Swift.
[the best zoom meetings]
host: can you hear me ok?
everyone: no
host: let’s just reschedule
everyone: great
Facebook: Please give us access to all of your personal information
Me: Okaaaay, but only if you tell me which Golden Girl I am.
All the single ladies. All the single ladies. All the single ladies. Now put your hands up! Lol. But seriously, ladies. This is a robbery.
I’ve been a single mom for over a year and have not experienced my meet cute for my future husband in the grocery store…wtf
Twitter is a good place to meet men. The odds are good but the goods are odd.
If it looks like I’m typing for five minutes I’m really just trying to spell diarrhea.
Whenever I experience happiness, I signal this to other humans by showing the sharpest part of my skeleton.
7YO: Can I eat ice cream now?
Me: Did you eat your greens?
7YO: Cows eat grass and then give milk I’ll get my greens from the ice cream
A person becomes 10 times more attractive not by their looks but by photoshop
If you’re a Mormon, and you have a mom, and you haven’t been referring to her exclusively as Mitt Momney…then why the hell are you Mormon?
“The house always wins,” muttered Dorothy as she stared at the witch’s crushed body.
Relationship Status:
My Christmas tree and I are sharing a large bottle of water.
A sip for you, a sip for me.
8yo: I want to paint my pumpkin this year!
Me: Cool, what color?
8yo: Orange!
Me:
8yo:
Me: *pours drink* Let’s do it
Dingo: The dingo community is known for many other things
TV Host: What are cooking for us today?
Dingo: I’m making my famous baby coleslaw
According to my wife I’m the best at driving over every pothole when she has to pee.
I still don’t understand why we are supposed to eat the tampon afterwards