One horribly inappropriate comment and you’ll never be shown another baby photo at work ever again. Totally worth it.
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I was uninvited to “drop it” because we couldn’t hear Yoncé over my Rice Krispie knees.
Me: “Sorry I’m late. Car trouble.”
Him: “What kind of car trouble?”
Me: “It doesn’t go 200 miles an hour to compensate for my late start.”
Answering this for men everywhere & this patient. Yes, it is unusual & incredibly icky to flirt with me while I’m checking your prostate.
I’m okay, you?
Yea. Not bad. You?
Yea. Not too bad. Wby?
Yea I’m okay. You okay?
Yes. Not bad. You?
Not too bad. You?
Yes I’m alright. You okay?
Yes ya know. The usual. You okay?
I’m okay thanks. How’re you?
I’m okay thanks. You okay?
I’m okay
Good
Okay
Bye then
Bye
I decided to beat Black Friday and start my Christmas shopping early.
*Runs Amazon van off the road
It’s funny how my doorbell starts working when I’m expecting a pizza delivery.
Fact: If you eat a slice of pizza fast enough, your body won’t understand how many calories are in it.
In the beginning there was darkness.
Because my dad had gone around shutting off every light in the world to save energy.
Bad day? Listen to 90s rap. Problem solved. Unmotivated? Listen to 90s rap. Problem solved. Don’t like rap? Listen to 90s rap Problem solved
Wife: [frantically searching kitchen] I can’t find my stir fry pans.
Me: looks like we need to go for a wok. lol.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: you hid them just to make that pun didn’t you?
Me: you butter believe it : )
Everyone should release their taxes because I cannot read them understand them anyhow
Me: Happy Easter!
Taylor Swift: I hate Easter! It’s all a lie!
Me: The Jesus thing?
Taylor Swift: Ya… Men don’t come back after 3 Days!
You want some advice? Don’t order crab cakes when you’re 700 miles from the ocean.
[Barney the purple dinosaur comes on TV]
3-year-old: I hate this show.
Me: What’s wrong with it?
3-year-old: He never eats anybody.
I’m sure there’ll be some making distasteful jokes about Williams’ death. How annoying for them that he would have thought of funnier ones.
I’m one whole face and body rearrangement away from being Scarlett Johansson.
I was going to have a proper career by 30. I’m 47.
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!-Librarians arguing
anime mfs be like “i promise it gets better just wait till episode 561 bro”
me: that girl and i used to have a little fling.
friend: what happened?
me: it got stuck in a tree.
Walking around the house looking for my coffee that’s already in my hand doesn’t mean I’m losing my mind.
It means I’m a parent.
I cleaned the cabinet windows and now you can see how untidy it is inside.
Fox News: Witnesses are telling us Michael Brown may have charged Officer Darren Wilson atop a dragon, wielding a poison-tipped broadsword
Who wants to listen to me eat an apple over the phone? No weirdos
#dnd #ttrpg
me: remember how i was talking about getting a xylophone
[doctor holds up my x-ray] where the hell are your ribs?
me: im trying to tell you
Wife “There’s three angry bears at the door for you.”
Me *spitting out perfectly temperatured porridge* “Tell them I’m not here.”
it takes 700 grapes to make a bottle of wine and that’s why you’re fat
Me: Who had two thumbs and just had a bandsaw accident? This guy
Doctor: Which Guy?
Wife: can you change the baby
Me: oh thank god. I’m so glad you said that. Yes, yes I will
Wife: I don’t mean swap it for a new one
Me: …