I’m in court with another one of those attorneys who licks their fingers before turning every single page in their file.
I do not regret the contempt fine I’m about to receive, but this must stop.
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Grown men who drink hot chocolate in coffee shops.
Who hurt you?
I photoshopped some long arms onto a T rex. Those short ones don’t look so stupid now, do they?
REMEMBER, if five people classify you as a “2,” technically, you are then a “10”…
Me: Look, you delivered this brand new yet ever since it doesn’t stop making weird noises! I believe I’m owed a replacement under warranty?
The midwife: 😐
I hope 2016 doesn’t get renewed. The plot is ridiculous and none of the characters are likable.
Etsy is cool. One time I bought a ghost
In Good Will Hunting, Ben Affleck goes to Matt Damon’s house every day but secretly hopes he isn’t there. I have a similar thing with one of my friends. Whenever I go to his house, I secretly hope Matt Damon isn’t there.
Meow
Question – what’s the dumbest thing you did as a kid?
Me- Wished I was an adult
Imagine being in jail for 35 years and Kim K got you out.
Inmate: Who got me out?
Warden: A famous celebrity.
Inmate: Wow, what’s she famous for?
Warden: Uhhh… Well for starters she was Bruce Jenner’s step daughter.
Inmate: No way! What’s he up to??!
Warden: Just go man.
[date]
Me: *ok don’t let her know I’m a bull*
Her: “so what are some red flags for you?”
Me: *sweating* “haha red flags? Where?”
why does every 4-way stop remind me of a group project?
My favorite genre of meme is people unknowingly kidnapping coyotes
If you give your opinion while cleaning a pair of reading glasses people will think you know what you’re talking about.
15: ‘What’s it like being married?’
Me: ‘Have you seen ‘The Shining’?’
I’m always surprised when heavily tattooed couples have a baby and it comes out blank
{my first day as a football announcer}
wow those guys really want that coconut there must be a genie inside. ok back to you, Fronk
WRITER: A drifter & a rich lady fall in love
WALT DISNEY: Can they be dogs?
WR: A woman steals a couple’s baby
WD: Can the baby be 101 dogs?
Fact: if you drop a penny from a skyscraper it can kill someone on the street? It’s true, I’m still glad I went with a bowling ball though
Beanbag chairs are fun and comfortable but you should never buy one because one day you’ll get some really bad news and you’ll have to roll off the side and onto the floor before standing up to comfort your partner.
For lunch today, I think I will have a blistering hot bowl of ice cold soup. Thanks microwave.
I want the immune system of this barefoot man in 7-Eleven
Me: You’re kidnapping me? Where’re we going? Can we feed my cats first? Is there a ransom? Cool van. My name-
Him: Changed my mind. Get out.
*rides in on giant turtle*
Me:Sorry I’m late.
Boss:You rode that to work?
Me:No, went to the zoo.
*phone rings*
Me:That’ll be the zoo.
I think, 25 years later, it’s pretty goddamn safe to say that nobody made an entrance like Chris Farley.
I’m like a fuckin’ origami expert when I’m down to the last sheet of toilet paper.
my favourite word in the dictionary is ratio because it’s under rated
KID: I don’t need a coat
ME: baby, it’s cold outside
KID: I don’t think it’s cold
ME: it really is cold outside
KID: I will not be cold
ME: I promise it’s cold outside
[twenty more minutes of arguing]
ME: fine let’s just go
KID: daddy it’s cold outside
What is bluesky and is it pronounced like a cloudless day or a Polish last name?
Men be like this is my all in one shampoo-conditioner-body wash-face soap-toothpaste-car wax