I washed a man in Reno just to watch him dry.
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OK! EAT ME NOW
Oh! Too lateBananas
I’m at the point in my life where my favorite Mexican restaurant is based solely on how big the margaritas are.
The Chopped contestants open their ingredients box, each finding the head of a loved one. Two scream, the third is thinking “bourbon glaze”.
The words, “Relax mom, it’s only glitter” is the biggest contradiction a mom can hear.
A pronoun referring to a specific thing previously mentioned, known, or understood.
That.
beginning a breakup text with “as the situation with the supply chain continues to develop,”
Coworker: Guess what I’m doing this weekend.
Me: No
911: What’s your emergency?
THE BARISTO IS HAVING A STROKE
911: Barista?
IT’S A GUY. BARISTO
911: No, it’s still-
Nm he’s dead now
What do you mean, “I need space,” are you okay oh my god do you need me to come over and bring space
The bar at our movie theater sells movie-themed drinks.
Imagine my dismay when I found out their Aquaman-themed drink wasn’t a Jason Mimosa.
Walmart customers are classless.
You shouldn’t drink Cabernet from a Pringle’s can.
Those cans are meant strictly for Pinot Noir.
Next time someone comes over to hold my newborn I’m going to ask them to unload the dishwasher and put the laundry away first
WAITER: the duck is organic & cruelty-free
ME: can i order a duck who endured lots of cruelty
WAITER: what why
ME: a duck killed my father
Welcome to adulthood. The weekend is your only time to catch up on everything but also your only time to do absolutely nothing.
I sleep naked because I want burglars to feel weird.
Toy stores should spread the toys out on the floor so you can see them in their natural state and practice stepping on them.
Old MacDonald loaned me cash.
He I, he I owe.
Me: Go to bed
5-year-old: One more question
Me: Fine
5: Who would win if Luke Skywalker fought Harry Potter?
Me
5:
Me: Get some coffee
The year was 1989 and America fell in love with Ariel, the half-animal girl who collects garbage.
Big Sex has us all fooled
Him: I don’t see nothin’ wrong-
Me: Let me just stop you right there *takes out Grammar Police badge, issues double negative citation*
If my memory serves me, the last time I was someone’s type, I was donating blood.
The way this woman squealed when getting proposed to is the exact same reaction I had when I found out the restaurant serves 3lb. lobster.
Dracula’s wife: You’ve got a little smudge on your chin.
Dracula: Vhere? Here?
Dracula’s wife: No, a little to the left.
Dracula: Here?
Dracula’s wife: No, a bit to the right. You know what? Just go look in the mi..
Dracula: LOOK INTO WHAT, MARTHA??
We can put a man on the moon, but we can’t think of a less terrifying way to can biscuits
I wonder if the people who camp out in front of stores for Black Friday sales realize there are online sales too.
DEMON: How much longer are we going to let him do that?
SATAN: [rubbing the bridge of his nose] Just … just give him a minute
ME: [still pushing on the gates to Hell that are clearly labeled Pull]
90s scientists: we cloned a sheep! we landed a robot on mars!
scientists today: for the last time, the earth is *round*
All the good ones are taken.
All the funny ones are fat.
All the smart ones are ugly.All the ones with all of the above are fictional.
Me: I’m gonna renovate the house once I get my promotion. After that, kids maybe?
Date: Are you still talking about The Sims?
Me: Of course.