Gonna drink a 42 hour energy so I can send three emails
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*Tinkerbell sprinkling pixie dust*
Remember Peter, give me a call if it last longer than 4 hours.
When a child tells you that they have to go potty, you’re about five minutes from too late.
Don’t worry about the people that drink Coke or Pepsi, worry about the ones that say “I’m fine with either”
My tiny son awoke with this thought, “Mommy, my dream was glitching. Why my dream was glitching?”
*scrolls Netflix for The Matrix
It’s time.
Drumpf’s presidential campaign in reverse: an increasingly laughable story of an egomaniac running for an office he couldn’t possibly win
Wife: What did I ask you to do?
Me: Love you forever?
W:
M: Kill a man to defend you honor?
W: EMPTY THE DISHWASER
I was getting there.
I get all my cardio the old fashioned way; by running from my problems.
Dude tried to pick me up at the gym but I was like bro I’m dying just let me lay here
Just flipped my mattress, should have woke up my wife first
Wife: can you pick up milk on your way home
Me: can’t he just get a ride home with friends
Wife: again, our son’s name is not Milk
[God creating bees]
GOD: make some of them fuzzy
ANGEL: thats good
G: make them sting
A: okay
G: and let’s give them teeth!
A: too far
Are chicken nuggets an emotion because i feel very chicken nuggets right now
What about “BusinessMyspace”? Nah, it’s taken. Okay, what about “LinkedIn”?
As I sit in isolation for hours, planning to keep a safe distance from my family, I hear them outside the door, shouting words of encouragement.
Like my kids saying, “Make us breakfast!”
And my wife adding, “GET OUT OF THE BATHROOM. YOU AREN’T SICK!”
Oh what so only roosters are allowed to start the day with screaming
[Walmart customer service]
ME: i want to talk to the manager.
MANAGER: hi sir is there a problem?
ME: no, i just want to talk.
*Texting with my wife while she’s out*
Wife: YOUR SUPPOSED TO BE WASHING DISHES !
Me: YOU’RE *
christening a ship with an overripe banana
Boss: Don’t beat a dead horse
Me: Wait, are you OK with beating a live horse?
B: Please shut up
M: I don’t take orders from horse-beaters
“Call me crazy bu..”
You’re a freakin idiot!.. I mean, you’re crazy.
Doctor: “You have a hip injury.”
Me: “I am very trendy.”
I’ve been dieting for a little over a week and I already gained three pounds.
My daughter hates bread crust so today I put a little extra effort in my sandwich making and I cut off the crust for her because I love her. She’s so sweet and showed her gratitude by eating around her sandwich like it had a crust. I just can’t win at this game.
Judas: How long are your arms?
Jesus: Why?
Judas: Like in a cross, how long
Jesus: A what?
Judas:Across. How long across.
Me: guess who i saw today?
Batman: who?
M: not your parents
B: Y do you always do this?
M: cause they told me to
B: who?
M: not your parents
My 2-yr-old has a toy phone that she pretends to talk on.
She looked right at me and said “hewwo?” into the toy phone.
I grabbed my phone and said, “hello, Isla! This is Daddy!”
She then said, “Isla not home” and hung up on me.
“Can you move it? Then it’s not broken. Go play.”
– Dad Medicine 101
There was a time I thought Radiohead was saying “I’m a creep, I’m a widow” and one day I heard someone sing the right word and well, only a freakin’ weirdo would think widow makes sense there, right.
Sometimes I’m just so exhausted I have to go to bed and scroll my phone for the next 2-3 hours
Haiku is a cross
between poetry and math.
Satan’s handiwork.