Lucky old June.
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When an unattractive woman in a bar asks me my sign I tell her “Stop.”
In tense moments i like to think “what would Jesus do” and then violently flip over a bunch of tables.
Cop: you were going pretty fast there. In a hurry to get somewhere?
Me: nope, just tryna lose the cop back there
I’ve had the same phone for over three years, so I know a thing or two about commitment and frustration.
A time capsule but it’s just the back of the fridge
I do not want an AI that writes books for me, I want an AI that can use my FitBit data to figure out when I’ve fallen asleep listening to an audiobook and pause it so I don’t suddenly wake up in the middle of chapter 29 wondering where the hell this Steve character came from
I used to think my mother in law liked me but then she bought our 11 year old a learn to play harmonica kit for his birthday
“i am trapped in a loveless marriage help me obi-wan you’re my only hope” “use divorce, luke”
[Ouija Board]
“Oh great spirits tell me ur secrets”
You'll die soon
“OMG HOW”
Hold on I have another call
I bet kangaroos get drunk and find some ridiculous shit in their pouches in the morning.
Me: I don’t think this YouTube video is appropriate.
5-year-old: If you’re scared, I can watch by myself.
BREAKING: Apple reportedly prepping electric car.
Battery life is expected to be about an hour, with a 2 foot charging cable.
Asking a woman to choose her favourite Disney movie is like asking her to choose her favourite child. My mum always choose Aristocats and my middle sister.
*1st day as the Dr’s assistant*
Igor: lol. for a second there I thought you said a ‘teen-building exercise’.
Dr Frankenstein: that’s correct.
How do you pay an electrician? You wire them the money.
Me: So what do you do?
Date: I work with animals
Me: *imagining an office ran entirely by golden retrievers in suits* Your job sounds fun
Quarantine status: I now leave an emergency bra near my keys in case I need to go anywhere.
*suddenly pulls away from kissing* BUT WHERE DOES THE STORK GET THE BABY FROM?!?
I don’t get upset when autocorrect screws me because it’s the most action I’ve seen in years.
I will no longer be calling coffee my addiction because it sounds unhealthy.
[First date]
Him: Can you pass the-
SOMETIMES WHEN I SLEEP ON MY STOMACH MY CAT LIES ON MY BACK LIKE A TINY SURFER
My dad taught me the importance of having convictions in life. Ten felonies later, I now know that some words have more than one meaning.
it’s so funny when a horse is shredded like a bodybuilder. like goddamn dude you wanna be a car so bad
[Spider sits at computer and Googles probability of being eaten by human in his lifetime] Holy shit Sharon, COME SEE THIS
Them: hey wanna go to the movies later?
Me: sure what time?
Them: 8:30
Me: *laughs in over 40*
Her: I like how you did your hair today. Me: OMG thank you, I passed out in my closet last night.
facebook is down so i am having to improvise
7: Mama, are you lonely when we go to bed?
Me: (Handle this like a great mom. Get the look off your face. Don’t laugh.) Of course, sweetie.
Dog tried taking me for a run. I wasn’t having it. I made her drag me the whole time.
I jump out of bushes to give surprise breast exams. I save lives.
The police are on the lookout for me. Probably to give me an award.