My daughter says she saw a demon in her room. I’m tweeting this from the safety of my office wishing her a lot of luck.
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A wise man once told me, “Are you even listening?”
I have a book called Overcoming Procrastination that I bought in 2003 that I’ve never read
Stop putting jumpsuits in with the dresses! I don’t want to take off all my clothes to pee!!!
I’m done travelling by scooter, I moped.
Not sure of the *exact* quality that denotes ‘blood-curdling’ in the context of a scream, but the sound that erupted from me earlier when the frog my cat ‘killed’ suddenly leaped mid-scoop, prrrrrrobably counts.
In other news, nothing beats fresh underwear!
My daughter just asked for nunchucks for her 12th birthday. Have to say, I’m 50% proud, 30% amused and 100% terrified.
Wish I had a neck like an owl so when a guy is spooning me right after sex I could turn my head all the way around and say that was awful
{Me as a therapist}
HIM: Women don’t like me.
ME: Have you tried becoming a dress with pockets?
Him: We have made it completely idiot proof
Me: Stand aside and let a professional determine that
ME: i’d like a Big Bacon Classic, Chili Cheese Fries, and Coke
CASHIER: sir, this is a Wendy’s
ME:
CASHIER: sorry it’s just a reflex, we get a lot of weirdos here
I’m not saying that my husband is trying to kill me….
… I’m just saying that if I die from walking into an open kitchen cabinet that he’s the dumbass who left it open.
Martin Shkreli can look forward to a 5,000% markup on cigarettes in his near future.
Mickey Mouse’s pants out of context look like something that would try to kill Mario.
I take a prop microphone wherever I go. If a reporter sticks a mic in my face during a tragedy, I can pull out my own and return the favor.
WIFE: Why is the zoo calling us about a missing coyote?
ME: [bleeding profusely] So… not a dog
My wife dared me to yell out “HURRY UP HAYDEN” at Disney World. Now we have 27 blonde boys & 8 girls following us like Children of the Corn.
If it weren’t for the gutter my mind would be homeless.
Cw: Ignorance is bliss
Me: Explains why you’re so happy
HR: It’s good to see you again
My kids all went to bed without being asked so I’m interrogating them all to see who did what.
Eventually they’ll break.
when my dog had kidney failure the vet said he had weeks to live, so we fed him kfc, food from the table, everything he wanted, damn dog lived for another 3 years before getting ran over by a van
People who would say “I can’t believe it’s not butter” are the same people who support all those Nigerian princes.
There was a man hunched over by a trash can and I heard sniffling and thought he was crying so I said “hey man are you alright” and he turned around and he was doing lines off a book. Pretty sure he’s doing alright.
Why was six afraid of seven? Generations of institutionalized bigotry.
Just blocked a guy for accusing me of being “all talk”. On Twitter.
waiter: any water for the table
me: [to date] does he not know trees die when you cut them down or
I was fightin’ this daylight savings shit but this morning I planted twelve acres of soybeans and fed the cows. Didn’t even know I had cows but there they were.
Sorry honey, I didn’t get you anything for Valentine’s Day.
Wife: It’s not until next week…
[one week later]
Sorry honey, I didn’t…
Me: Is that a web tattoo on your elbow because you like Spider-Man?
Them: Naw, I killed 5 people
Me: so you don’t like Spider-Man?
Swing states aren’t as much fun as they sound.
The happy life.. 😊