Better “copulate” than “copunever.”
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Paul is coming over tonight
Paul smith or Paul who puts ketchup on everything?
[car pulls into driveway covered in ketchup]
People need to stop posting denigrating photo memes of animals; they have dignity and deserve respect. Oh that’s Rick Santorum? Ok carry on.
Naked and Afraid,
but it’s just me staring down a spider in the shower.
🤣🤣🤣🤣
*opens facebook messenger*
*sips mtn dew twice*
*strokes neckbeard*
*begins typing*
Sorry abt ur mom dying
Tis a shame
Btw ur attractive
“We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty.”
Eddie Murphy at the premiere of Purple Rain, 1984.
Me (answers phone): HELL-o
Mom: Hi, honey. Your Dad is trying to change the time on the VCR you bought us in 83
Me: Please leave a message
Stuck behind a guy with 13 items in the express lane and my avocados have already gone bad.
Most of my one night stands happened because they knew they would get a fabulous breakfast the next morning.
[first day in hell]
Me: *opening google maps* better find this “special place” they said was here for me
[adopting dog]
VOLUNTEER: we need your life history to make sure this animal is safe[leaving hospital with baby]
DOCTOR: don’t let him die
If anyone asks, I’m only watching three shirtless buff guys work on the neighbour’s roof because home improvement projects are super educational.
Me: You ever have conversations in your head?
Me: No.
Me: Me neither
My 4yo just started playing rock, paper, scissors with himself. The good news is he won.
This woman named Amanda who lives above me burns her dinner nearly every night and it makes my apt smell like a fire pit so I’ve been calling her Burnie Manders behind her back to make myself feel better about it
Feng shui consultant: The refrigerator shouldn’t be next to the couch.
Me: You’re fired.
Him: I’d like to hear you scream.
Me: *screams like a banshee*
My cat and I have lots in common like how we both cry when we’re hungry and both put our ass in the air when it’s being rubbed.
me: i need to talk to someone about making some changes to my nose
plastic surgeon: ok i’m all ears
me: I need to speak to someone else then
Ever sit at your desk and your hand automatically reaches for the seatbelt?
Just me? 😬
I suffer from premature procrastination. It’s when you procrastinate before even receiving a task…
Me: Tonight we dine like kings!
*checks wallet*
Me: Like burger kings!
JIM MORRISON: people are strange, when you’re a stranger
PRODUCER: nice
JIM MORRISON: people are docks, when you’re a doctor
PRODUCER: what
JIM MORRISON: *wiggling fingers* people are ticks, when you’re a tickler
PRODUCER (lips on mic): uh, I think we’re good Jim
If you love someone, set them on fire. If they come back, it’s a phoenix
Brain: He mentioned marriage again. You know what to do.
*sets phone on fire*
The most difficult thing you’ll do as a parent is not rearrange the ornaments after the kids put them on the tree.
Obama: “I have no more campaigns to run…because I won both of them”
Biden like 2 years later: LOL OH I GET IT. HES BEEN PRESIDENT FOR TW
Husband: Did you eat the last of the Girl Scout cookies?
Me: (brushing off crumbs, swallowing hard) There was a break in.
At McDonalds
Cashier: You total is to tell your kids that you love them
Me: Look lady if I loved them I wouldn’t be feeding them this crap