Date: So what do you do?
Me: I’m a script editor.
Me: Are you any good?
Me: No.
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My dinosaur expert child just schooled me
Me: What’s the difference between the diplodocus and the brachiosaurus?
5yo: They have different names
First rule of camping: bring the kind of toilet paper that won’t attract animated bears.
[being boiled alive in a witch’s soup]
witch (smacking me with her broom): stop *smack* eating *smack* all *smack* the *smack* potatoes *smacksmacksmack*
I need this dude and coffin dancers and I’m set!
just found out Mr. Miyagi’s first name was Trent, I hate hollywood
That moment of panic when you realize you haven’t checked on your Farmville in like 6 years
George Washington died in 1799. The first Dinosaur fossil was discovered in 1824. George Washington never even knew Jurassic Park existed.
My wife told me some guy at the bar was buying her drinks all night to get me jealous.
We’ll it worked. I wish he was buying me drinks.
The homework is due on Monday.
“Can I get an extension?”
The homework is due on Monday.png
Pro Tip : Don’t shout at a mate going through airport security “You are the bomb dude, you are the bomb !!”
😜😜 Happy Saturday folks ☕️☕️
When I’m really bored at work I like to write “I’m watching you” on the toilet paper a few squares in just to mess with people.
Him: Did you poop in the shower?
Me: Is that an actual question you’re asking me right now?
H: Well who else could it be?
M: How about one of our kids that’s known to do stuff like that and not YOUR WIFE THAT TRADITIONALLY DOESN’T SHIT THE SHOWER?
H: Oh that makes more sense.
If you have slept with someone who sounds like Darth Vader breathing, you understand why it’s so great to sleep alone.
imagine earning a science degree then having to be a meteorologist who announces the prophecy of a groundhog
*summoning demonic forces to overthrow the zoo employees*
Years ago I was able to find the trashcan in a friend’s kitchen on the first try, and I’ve been riding that high ever since
You never really know if you’re out of invisible ink
Me on the 7th day of Christmas: hey I’m gonna run to the store. We’re out of maids a’milking
My true love: no don’t
Me: what? Why not?
My true love: just trust me
Woah! I can move stuff with my mind. Like, my legs.
I shouldn’t be laughing probably but that is hilarious
Being a brown man is hard but it would really suck if one day I failed a CAPTCHA & found out I was a robot on top of that
A bold strategy
Me to client: Is there anywhere else you’re purchasing supplies with other than me?
Client: sadly no. Just you.
Me:
Client: I didn’t mean it like that!
I just found out Nicki Minaj isn’t animated!
In 1993, I saw a toddler slip on ice and land on a cat, but I didn’t have any social media outlet to tell people about it. So, here it is.
me: [straddles chair to look real cool]
executioner: no
Just remember, when the jury is deciding between premeditated murder and manslaughter…
it’s the thought that counts
See you when you get home from school, I whisper to my kid’s apple
I don’t know who needs to hear this but putting the dead batteries in the junk drawer does not charge them