My 4yo keeps calling me ‘young man’ and I corrected him by saying, ‘I’m not a young man, I’m an old woman.’ I feel like he set me up.
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(pointing at TV) That’s Homer, he’s sort of the ringleader. The hierarchy is actually not super clear but it seems like he and the woman grew the smaller ones somehow
My 4-year-old’s questions while watching me put on makeup for 3 minutes:
-Why is your face melting?
-Why do you make your face look evil?
-Why are you biting your eyeballs with those scissors?
Turns out there are very few midnight trains and “Anywhere” isn’t an option, you have to pick an actual destination.
I don’t know why hair extensions are exclusive to women, I want to look like a centaur
You think you’ve doing an okay job as a parent, and then you learn your 8 year-old has only been pretending to brush his teeth for two months.
Let me sing you the song of my people
*moves and 97 joints pop*
Shortcut
A scientist who studies Adam’s apples is called a guyneckologist.
If you end calls with telemarketers by saying “OK love you bye,” they put you on their Do Not Call list.
In my 20s: I’m gonna live forever!
In my 40s : uh oh
When people ask, “Don’t I know you from somewhere?”, I reply “Yes, we were best friends as children until you murdered my puppy.”
Me: Well, time to go to bed.
[lies down, pulls sheet up, closes eyes]
Anger: Feel that rapid heart beat?
Me: I do.
Anger: You’re thinking about how Nellie Breton didn’t invite you to her pool party in 12th grade.
Me: Damn it.
Shoutout to torpedoes for getting through hardships.
beyoncé communicating with the dead is what i would call a seyoncé.
Things I constantly worry about pressing:
1. “Like” while ex stalking
2. Send all drafts
3. A baby’s soft spotYes, this list is in order.
Les Miserables was pretty good but I wish I’d had some kind of warning that everyone in it would be so unhappy.
“Can I pet your dog?”
“Sure, but he can be aggressive.”
[He pushes a pamphlet about the dangers of gluten towards me with his nose]
Over 400 billion people a year are victims of exaggerated statistics.
ugh not again
Slipknot sacked their drummer a few months ago, and suddenly Kate Middleton is nowhere to be seen?
Surely not a coincidence, she must be locked in rehearsals frantically learning their tour set list and getting a horror mask fitted.
Her: What are you wearing for New Year’s Eve?
Me: My nicest robe and whatever booze doesn’t make it into my mouth.
first date idea we walk around a graveyard and guess how people died
The Purge, but instead of 24 hrs of killing whoever we want, we get to tell our friends that we really think the person they’re dating is trash without consequences.
Accidentally put Red Bull in my coffee maker this morning. I was going 130 mph down the interstate when I realized that I forgot my car.
They grow up so quick
[feeding baby]
Wife: here comes the airplane
Me whispering in baby’s ear as he swallows his food: that was a spoon. Her lies don’t end here
I saw a TV for sale for only £1 because the volume button was stuck
Did I buy it?
Of course I did!
Well, I couldn’t turn it down
Could I?
interviewer: your resume says you like being read to
me: and then what happened
A hammock is really cool until you try to get out of it. I’m going to have to live here now. Goodnight.
Guys, I need a good recipe that will make my guests never come visit again.