me: please go clean your room
5: mom don’t yuck on my yums
me: who taught you that?
5: my teacher
me: …how do you feel about being a kindergarten dropout?
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I like to take a store-bought cake to a potluck and joke that I made it myself. As if people could actually make their own cakes!
5: I need you to give me some money.
Me: Why?
5: Let me worry about that.
[PAPARAZZI] Bugs Bunny is it true u were shot by Elmer Fudd
[BB]°sips drink° that’s ridiculous °water shoots out of holes°
No more questions
Me: Necessity is the mother of Invention
Necessity (my wife): I still can’t believe I let you talk me into naming her that
Invention: *crying*
Dead
Alive
Other✔
[speed dating]
Him: have you ever been married?
Me: just once… we had a beautiful ceremony in my parents yard with all my Barbie dolls in attendance but an hour later he went back to live with his mom
Him: lol aww you were 5?
Me: don’t be ridiculous *sips drink* I was 30
High School Reunions are bullshit. Why would I pay money to see people I’ve been deliberately avoiding for the past 20 years
Everybody is tweeting “OMG I CANT BELIEVE ITS MARCH”, I’m like tf’ you you think came after February ? February Jr.?
Instead of saying you lost your eyesight due to an explosion while you were making meth, just tell people that you were blinded by science.
Idea: Always carry around a chicken, so if you’re murdered your chalk outline won’t just be the same old boring shit.
What do we want?
“A CURE FOR PASSIVE AGGRESSION”When do we want it?
“Whatever, you decide. You’re the smart one.”
Date: I like a guy who’s environmentally aware
Me, pointing outside: that’s a cloud
her: why is there a duck on your shoulder?
me: he’s my life coach
her: you wanna go to olive garden?
*duck whispers in my ear*
me: that’s a yes
The 8yo disrupted my sleep again, so I texted my mom at 2AM to ask when it stops.
To find out your dolphin name, lick your finger tips and rub a balloon.
[god designing humans]
Angel: there was a mix-up at the factory. The intestines are way too long
God: *stuffing em all in there* I got this
Her:
*puts cherry stem in mouth
*pulls it out with a knot
*winksHim:
*puts earbuds in pocket
*pulls it out with 5 knots
*doesn’t get laid
the guy at the liquor store didn’t card me and it hurt my feelings so I said I was a cop and idk what to do next we’re just standing here
me *limping*
wife: What happened to you?
me: I took a nap
When my burger was ready, the clerk called out “867?”
I yelled back 5309.
No one laughed.
I am old.
Took my 6 y/o daughter to a college football game and my dream of turning her into a fan quickly faded when she asked to go home in the first quarter because “we just watched this game on TV last week.”
Stop calling me an amateur. I’ve been doing this for decades. I’m incompetent.
7YR OLD: daddy, I don’t want to go to bed, it’s still light outside
ME: [explains daylight savings time]
7: that’s the dumbest shit I’ve ever heard.
[hears one Christmas song] My heart is overflowing with glad tidings
[hears another one] I’ve never been angrier
I like eating Nerds because I’m secretly hungry for aquarium gravel and this takes the edge off.
one of
Me: I brought you some bird seed.
Rad Pigeon: Coo’
Her: Stop being absurd. Just be yourself.
Me: Make up your mind.
[walks into interview wearing light up Sketchers]
WALMART INTERVIEWER: whoa I didn’t know corporate was coming