A month ago I gave my number to this beautiful girl. She said “I will text you when I get home”. I think she’s homeless.
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Fortune Teller: I see a trip in your future
Me [cancelling a week-long trip to Peru]: haha nope. wrong, idiot.
[fall down stairs as I leave]
He died doing what he loved
smelling things underwater
11: Mom if you’re sweating in a sweater does that make you the sweater?
Me: Just brush your teeth.
So… counting to ten in between multiple double cheeseburgers DOESN’T count as intermittent fasting?
[dinner party, setting out the main]
Friend: Wow! Is this edible gold? You’re really stepping up your game!
Me, thinking about my kid’s art taped to the kitchen cupboard shedding glitter like a damn Head & Shoulders commercial: Isn’t it fancy?!
[phone w/ fiancé]
Hey, I can still pick whatever suit I like for the wedding right?
“As long as its black, why?”
*wearing batsuit* No reason
[First prison riot]
Me: *guarding my toilet wine*
I feel like the person who named pink eye also named orange juice.
I’m going to become more attractive or more delusional, I haven’t decided yet.
Both my wife and I work from home. She treats me as a colleague despite us doing completely different roles in very different industries. She keeps bouncing ideas off me to which I nod along helpfully. No idea what she’s talking about.
“I would absolutely say I’m an introvert!” – Guy screaming to his table full of friends at brunch.
[at the airport]
Customs: Do you have any drugs in your bag, Ma’am?
Me: Sure. What can I get you?
wife: ugh the baby’s been crying for hours, can you take over?
me: sure *starts crying for hours*
If your name is Otis you are either an adorable dog or the town drunk there is no in between
Me: *being romantic* Take you to clouds and leave you among the stars.
Her: okay, but can we finish the laundry first?
A toaster is the ultimate bath bomb
My son has a shirt that says, “my dad can beat up your dad,” and honestly I don’t like the pressure
Damn, my printer is needy af. Always asking for more paper or more ink. I give and give and then it tells me it doesn’t think we have a connection.
*puts you on pedestal*
*vacuums where you were standing*
*takes you off pedestal*
How about a child exchange programme where if your kid is being annoying you can just swap them with someone else’s vodka?
wrestling movies: im sad and i have something to prove to my dad
actual wrestlers: my name is Nutbuster Mike and i dont care if i die
“I really like you, can I take you to dinner”
Sir -if you really liked me you’d send dinner to my house and let me be pantless instead of creating a food hostage situation
[leaving a birthday party with my piñata friend] i swear i didn’t know they were going to do that
“Just take me home”
[Lying on the grass, staring at the full moon]
Her: You looked different in your profile picture.
Werewolf: I forgot to check the calendar
girls don’t like boys who are punctual..
once this girl dumped me because i came early
me, age 7: I want to be an adult so I can eat as many pickles as I want
me, age 30, eating pickles: haha hell yeah
I could totally be a squirrel matador. Possibly.
Make fun of Kim Kardashian’s name choice for North West if you want, but that baby is going straight up. And slightly to the left.