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Son: *carrying damaged produce*
Me: Drop that sick beet!
Barber: Do you want to see the back?
Me: Sure
*2 minutes later*
Barber: So, this is the staff room.
Camp Detective: [struggling to get out of a hammock] I suppose you’re all – ugh – I suppose you’re all wondering – mmmmph! Goddamit – why I called you here toda- no! Don’t help me I CAN DO IT
I dream of a day when my toddler can poop and the entire neighborhood doesn’t have to hear her say she’s done.
Nobody learns to parkour faster than a parent chasing a toddler with a sharpie
Be specific when saying “BYOB”:
[bursts into house]
Hey, I brought beers!
*7 pastors wives shut their Bibles disapprovingly*
Fecking hate sellotape should go sit in the wrong corner with everything else I hate ….
me: [playing musical chairs]
wife: have you tried learning an actual instrument?
You don’t care when my dog does it, is not an acceptable explanation for shitting on your neighbor’s lawn. I know this now.
Some guys look classy carrying a flask. I look like a degenerate alcoholic, I dunno, maybe it’s my trackpants. Who’s house is this?
“you recording!?”
walmart in August: here’s some pumpkins
walmart ON halloween day: merry christmas
WHERE’S THE PUMPKINS AT BRO I NEED 3.
hate when the barista asks “do you want whipped cream?” it feels there are only two answers: “yes please, i’m fat.” or “no thanks, i’m fat.”
My son’s girlfriend always peels out of the driveway like a car chase from the Rockford Files.
I admire her spirit, but I have to live with my neighbors.
Cinderella is the creepiest fairytale when you start to contemplate what kind of craziness she has going on with her feet that her shoes won’t fit even one single other person in the entire kingdom.
I bought 28 items at the grocery store today and the bagger managed to strategically fit them into just 21 bags.
Just saw two identical twins out in public together. No disrespect to that lifestyle but please keep it private
Were PacMan and Ms.PacMan married or brother and sister? Have some fanfic that’s either really awesome or really disturbing riding on this.
I don’t discriminate. Love whoever you want. Pansexual is cool with me. I mean, I like pans, I guess. They fry bacon and stuff.
If you’re on the fence about having kids, repeat “Put your shoes on, please” 100 times in a row until you’re in a blinding rage & see if it’s right for you.
How Animals React To Smoke
DEER: Bounds away.
MOLE: Retreats to deep tunnel.
BEES, WHO LIVE IN A HOME MADE OF ACTUAL CANDLE WAX: Naptime!
The jerk store called? But, that jerk store burned down ten years ago… on this very night
Spoiler alert: Doctor Strange could not become a Sorcerer Supreme until he learned to like sour cream.
They say nothing rhymes with orange. I must be pronouncing it wrong.
Yesterday I drove past a sperm bank that had gone out of business.
I guess that means no one came.
WIFE: He never pays any attention to me. All he cares about is that dog.
THERAPIST: is this true?
ME: [sewing swim trunks for the dog] is what true?
Husband praying mantis: I have a headache
#1: Too many people still answer the phone like they don’t know who’s calling.
Please lower gas prices, I’m not built for onlyfans
must be a load-bearing face plate. don’t want it coming loose.