people really have no faith in me – i told my co-worker, “i had to have coke this morning for a little pick me up” … another co-worker heard me and was like, “what? you did a line before school?”
*in case you all don’t have the faith either – it was a can of coca cola
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“I’m hungry. Except for anything you made. There’s no way I’m eating that.”
– Kids
If my 5yos are holding something when I buckle them into their car seats, there’s a 150% chance they’ll hit me in the face with it.
Trying to motivate myself to go for a run, but it’s windy outside.
And outside.
How to cow tip:
First, sneak up behind the cow.
Next, get into a wide stance.
Finally, slip the money into it’s bell.
I passed gas and my husband asked if I said something so I’ve been laughing for 28 minutes now.
The best way to prepare for Motherhood is to put Dora on TV for 9 months, set your alarm for every 45 minutes and throw food on your floors.
Do people who swirl and sniff their wine in the glass know that it tastes just the same straight from the bottle? Amateurs.
A cubical is a great place to reflect on all the bad decisions you’ve made in your life
THE 3 PEOPLE IN EVERY CHIPOTLE LINE:
– guy ordering for his whole office who takes forever
– white lady who’s never been there before and doesn’t like spicy food. ends up getting a bowl of white rice and chicken
– guy who leans over sneeze-guard and is shouty about his order
Me: “How much for your top of the line masturbation chamber?” Sales person: “You mean the shower stall?”
If Shakespeare were alive today, he’d write a tragedy about the fate of the single French fry that comes with every order of onion rings.
Toy designer: a remote control car that’s rechargeable!
Executive: But how will we still make this awkward for parents who buy them for their kids?
TD: oh.. we’ll just make it so you still need batteries for the controller
[first day as a security guard] this painting needs eyes
Friend: Are you in any fantasy sports leagues
Me: I wish *imagining Legolas dunking*
“But you just went pee”
– A Family Vacation Memoir
I bought a Roomba to save an hour on vacuuming, now I’m spending two hours staring at Roomba vacuuming
[hospital]
*crying*
Jim it’s your turn to change the baby
*picks up baby*
-Ok brb
*comes back holding a black baby*
-I think they’re onto us
If you’re in Burger King longer than 5 minutes, you’re the manager
[Elon Musk sees a homeless guy]
“Oh no, this is terrible. I simply must use my vast wealth to address this problem”
[2 weeks later]
“I have invented sunglasses that make homeless people invisible so that rich people don’t have to see them”
*me trying to bond with my 30 year old male coworkers* ah yes, i also had a brutal leg day, i woke up again with legs
It’s ok, gas station bathroom motion sensor lights, I forgot I was here too.
How about if you write in an opposite journal?
Write what you DIDN’T do.
Day 1: definitely didn’t kill anyone today
i hate when someone rings my doorbell because then i have to drop whatever i’m doing to be silent and pretend i’m not home.
My phone just autocorrected “Haha” to “Jaja” so I guess I’m Mexican now.
me: [crying] it came outta nowhere
tour guide: a spider?
me: biggest teeth I’ve ever seen
guide: [panicking] omg a snake?
me: razor-sharp claws
guide: wait… a koala?! so why are you crying?
me: [wiping tears] such a nice cuddle
When I play the kazoo, I play to win
me other days of the year: amazon is evil
me on prime day: holy shit 70% off??
We met for coffee yada yada yada next thing I know we’re in the back of my car covered in lobsters and her dog is driving us to the ER
“Daddy, I-”
*presses button for soundproof backseat divider
Wife: “HOW MUCH DID-”
*presses button for soundproof passenger seat divider
Me: You haven’t fought with your sister in two whole days.
10yo: I know. We should send her to camp more often.