ME: Please! Don’t! I have a family!
ASSASSIN: Who do you think sent me?
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My wife: “I’ll be ready in a second. I just have to get the kids dressed.”
Me: “OK.”
*takes a nap*
*reads four books*
*builds a pyramid*
I can walk up to any dog, rub its butt and make a friend. That trick only works about half the time on people.
[interrogation]
“Where were u on the night of the 3rd?”
Stabbing a homeless man.
“Louder for the tape?”
Wrapping a boneless ham. As a gift.
Arriving at my funeral, you are woefully unprepared for the sight of my embalmed corpse doing full Van Damme splits between two coffins.
[a robber breaks into my house]
me, to my dog: sic him, boy, sic him
my dog: [coughs into his paw, wipes it on the robber’s face, and then looks at me for approval]
me: not… [rubbing my temples] not like that tho
Couples that stay fit together don’t trust each other enough to go to the gym alone
Optimus Prime: *in an auto parts store* where are your dressing rooms
WIFE: [walks in on me trying on Victoria’s Secret] OMG
ME: It’s not what you think! [shows receipt] They were on sale
WIFE: Oh thank God
Smoke alarm batteries only die between 2 and 4 a.m.
I don’t make the rules.
I know it’s so bad but all the other restaurant names were taken. Anyways welcome to Feastiality can I get you guys started on some drinks
the Purge but instead of killing for 24 hours we get to talk to customers the way they talk to us
My mom accidentally killed my boyfriend this weekend. She didn’t recognize him when she was canning pickles.
Dry sarcasm assumes the existence of moist sarcasm.
How about we constantly commit crimes against each other, but you know, also like, buy lots of each other’s goods?
~ all countries
Asking me which one of my tweets is my favorite is like asking an Indian dad which one of his children is his favorite. I don’t think any of them are good enough.
“Lord, can I have a pony?” Sure. Just as soon as I get a prayer from a pony asking for a little girl with no clue how to take care of it.
Some dude built his wife the Taj Mahal and I can’t get a DM from a guy that doesn’t have his wife in his profile picture
haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come me & my friend dale are at the park watching two real estate agents trying to eat a pigeon?
I bought a 3D printer, now I can print a moral compass
me: i need a new hat to wear for when i go sailing on my yacht
salesman: cap size?
me: i hope not
You guys, we should do a shot. I’m gonna do a shot, who wants a shot?
~my favorite guy at the bar.
Relationship status:
I ran out of toilet paper a week ago.
Update:
I am now running out of paper towels.
Me: *my toddler might eat this healthy food if he can dip it in ketchup*
Toddler: *eats the ketchup by itself*
[speed dating]
I enjoy gardening. I’ve got a bit of a green thumb. Actually several of my fingers are discolored. I think I have diabetes.
What’s that? There’s a Harry Potter marathon on TV? Cancel all my plans!
My cat: Meow
Yes I know we have all the DVDs…
I’m about two tissues away from shoving a tampon up my nose.
If ovens self clean when the temperature inside is above 800°, why is my car still dirty?
When I die, throw me on Mt. Everest so it looks like I was trying to do something.
It’s uncool to be religious. It’s uncool to be atheist. If someone asks what you believe in just say Beyoncé. It’s the only way to be safe.
Six-year-old: “Dad why do you have to go to work?”
Me: “If I didn’t go to work who would buy your transformers?”
Six-year-old: “Dad the money for transformers doesn’t come from your work. I pay for those by doing extra chores.”