Not need to ever fold your fitted sheets if you spread them all onto the bed and then remove a layer every two weeks
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Walmart greeters check and barcode returns now before you go on to customer service. So at least two people will know I ended up not needing that maximum strength ex-lax after all.
I wish I took the same care with anything in my life as my dog does with choosing where to poop.
Him: I think you’re my soul mate.
Me: I’m so SO sorry for you.
i once made an offhand comment at summer camp that got a laugh so i remembered it for a year and worked it into conversation the next summer but it didn’t get a laugh that year. so you see i don’t need to do stand-up, i’ve already internalized its lessons.
coworker relationships are so bizarre like i wouldn’t acknowledge you in public but i def know all about how your great aunt poisoned your great uncle for a life insurance payout.
My pessimism has never failed me, but I’m sure someday it will.
My boss: make sure you clear out your emails before going on vacation.
Me: *select all, delete*
the true test of a child is not how he treats his friends, but how he treats Minecraft villagers
Wait, so when couples are in custody battles it’s to KEEP the kids? #WTF
Me, a 40-year-old woman: I really hope I get an A on my daughter’s second grade school project
If I took every USB cable I’ve ever owned and strung them end-to-end, I’d have a cable 34 miles long that I still couldn’t find when I needed it.
If you have slept with someone who sounds like Darth Vader breathing, you understand why it’s so great to sleep alone.
Don’t you hate it when you’re planning someone’s funeral, and they ruin it by coming into the room and talking to you?
My favorite part of The Talented Mr. Ripley is how easy it was to scam people in the 50s. You could just beat a guy to death with an oar and show up to the American Express office with his ID and they’d like “of course, and how much money would sir be withdrawing today?”
My boyfriend asked me why I bother watching cooking shows when I cant cook so I asked why he bothered watching porn.
Folks have it easy today. If they need to see how to spell a word, they can Google it.
I had to use a dictionary. And not knowing how to spell the word was no help. I spent an hour in the T’s trying to find “pterodactyl” with no success.
“See that guy over there? I have to serve him with papers today.”
-Oh really? Why?
“Because I lost my tennis racquet.”
I know I shouldn’t be on top of this table singing Don’t Stop Believin’ loud, off-key, and wrong, but please know it’s because I love all of you. You’re my friends, my family, an-
~ Me, right before getting kicked out of Starbucks
[first day as a pilot]
me: *looking down nervously* what are all these buttons for
co-pilot: they keep your shirt closed
I was offered a free apron once, but there were strings attached
I see lots of millennials doing great stuff and think “we’re gonna be okay,” then I remember they absolutely adored the Jonas Brothers
Presidential election season; that special time every four years when we find out who we just really shouldn’t be friends with anymore.
The worst time to need sneeze is when you’re driving. The worst time to need to pee it when you’re driving and need to sneeze.
I hope there’s a special place in hell for the guy who, right as the Zoom meeting leader was wrapping up, self-indulgently pontificated for five minutes and extended the meeting thus forcing me to involuntarily test the microphone “mute” feature with an epic string of expletives.
Ah, quarantine. But first, I will meet up with 500 people at the grocery store to fight over beans.
Can’t afford rent so I started living in the moment.
At a doctor appointment:
“Step up on the scale”
Jokingly, “Do I have to?”
“No.”
“WHAT?!?!”HOW HAVE I GONE THIS LONG WITHOUT KNOWING THIS WAS AN OPTION?!
I buy seedless grapes because let’s leave the grape growing to the vineyards.