“She loves me not…”
: Picks last petal :
“She LOVES ME!”Flower: “…NOT! LOL nerd”
: Whips out hidden petal shaped like middle finger :
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I came home to a trail of bread leading to the bedroom & of course I followed, only to find my husband in bed with 10 ducks. I’m heartbroken
Nobody:
Absolutely nobody:
Me: In Top Gun: Maverick, Goose’s son should’ve been played by Ryan Gosling
*goes to the gym*
*takes a selfie & posts it on Facebook for the wife to see*
*hurries to the bar*
Me: I feel like I look cute today.
Target self-checkout video: EIGHTY-SEVEN YEAR OLD WITCH.
MUFASA: Everything the light touches is our kingdom.
ME: What about shadows or when it’s cloudy?
MUFASA: *Sigh* Wh…why are you like this?
Many people are surprised to hear I’m married because I scream it at them as I descend from their broken skylight in the dead of night.
Ladies, if he can’t appreciate fruit jokes…
… you need to let that mango.
The person in that bathroom stall would not survive ‘A Quiet Place’
My parents didn’t raise me to be disrespectful. I had to practice.
[at work]
CW: Hey, I found your Twi…
Me: *jumps out window*
CW: …Twinkies.
I’m going as Alexa for Halloween this year and answering every question with, “Sorry, I’m having trouble understanding you right now.”
“Are you a secret shopper? You have to admit it if I ask. It’s the law.”
“That’s only for narcs.”
“That sounds like something a secret shopper would say…”
If you could go back in time and show a medieval peasant one movie, what would it be?
I would pick Jim Carrey’s classic “The Mask” (1994)
I want to die from natural causes like being murdered by a sunset.
The facial recognition on my iPhone recognizes me in sunglasses but not when I’m smiling
Inventor of rice cakes: What if chewing air made a noise?
Dog: Whatcha doing?
Me: Shaving my legs.
Dog: Why?
Me: So that I’m not covered in…
Dog: Not covered in what, Erren? NOT COVERED IN WHAT?
A San Francisco man is running seven marathons in seven days on seven continents; he’s expected to be seven times as annoying about it.
People on the Internet always trigger my restless-fists syndrome.
I’m under the weather today, also so is everyone else, that’s how weather works.
I’m into all kinds of spirits: the paranormal kind and the drinking kind.
What idiot called it an engagement ring instead of a Kneel Diamond?
I’m enjoying a run through the sprinkler, but everyone else “smells smoke” and “thinks we should leave the conference room”
I can’t believe there’s a sex offender registry. Who’s buying gifts for these people?
Top 5 things to ditch in 2017
5. Debt
4. People you don’t like
3. Facebook
2. Drama
1. The bodies
Bartender: Hey! What’s new?
Me: Well, my girlfriend’s pregnant.
B: Congratulations!
M: Yeah.
B: What’s wrong?
M: My wife is SUPER pissed.
keep your Glenns Close and your Glennemies Closer
Hung out with some new people and after they left my girlfriend said, “…What if we had some kind of hand signal for when you should stop talking?”
Tiktok made twitter look like a science club.