The retirement age needs to be lowered to 50. I’ve had enough!
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When clowns first attacked these shores nobody took it seriously. It’s just one boat, how many could there be, they said.
Used to be free to fill my tires up at the gas station, but now it’s ¢75.
Guess that’s the cost of inflation.
Everyone on this flight acting like they’ve never seen anyone peel a sack of hard boiled eggs before.
Why is my kitchen floor so gross I just mopped like 3 months ago.
You gotta wet it first, doesn’t work dry. The wetter the better.
-whistling you perverts
[Wizard Starbucks]
Barista: I have a tall white chocolate mocha for Ron
Voldemort: [visibly upset] excuse me I’ve been waiting for an hour on my triple shot soy latte w/light foam and no one has called my name yet!
Boss: You’ve been chosen to take a random drug test.
Me: Very cool. So which one am I testing?
Ribbon gymnastics class only it’s me trying to detangle the cord on my headphones.
Neighbor: hey just so you know I invited Dan to the dinner party!
Me: cannibal Dan or Dan who can’t spell?
*phone chimes*
[Text from Dan] I can’t wait to meat your friend tonight!Neighbor: yeah I’m not sure
That face-melting Nazi guy in ‘Raiders of the Lost Ark’ but it’s just my makeup the second I step outside in the summer.
Got so drunk last night that I was able to translate three Pearl Jam albums into English
Number of times my dog has puked on:
the tile floor: 0
the carpet: 3,290
Turns out inside one of the IKEA sofa boxes was actually a marriage counselor.
An app to tase restaurant owners who call appetizers “apps”
[plane]
“Is there a doctor on board?”
Im a doctor
“Okay quick the passenger is having a heart att-
Of fine arts
“What?”
Doctor of Fine Arts
My client has retained me to cancel plans with you.
Got rid of all those dangerous Tide pods when I gave them away on Halloween.
I haven’t been drinking.
I know what day it is.
I didn’t lose my pants.
This might be my car.
I know how to drive.-Lies I’ve told to cops.
No thanks Olive Garden, the last place I wanna eat is somewhere that treats me like family.
do what now??
Christmas means giving my brother a $50 gift card, and getting a $50 gift card from my brother.
LEONARDO DA VINCI: *on street corner* eeey girl! gimme a smile, girl! nah, not that big. make it cryptic, girl, like ‘what is she thinking’
Next time a stranger talks to me when I’m alone, I will look at them shocked and whisper “You can see me?”..
Home Depot law decrees that if two dads are pushing carts down the same isle, the dad with the greater mustache has the right of way.
Undercover cop at a beauty salon: I’ve been made, over
I recently got a tattoo with Chinese symbols that reads, “I don’t know. I don’t speak Chinese.”
Then when people ask me what it means…
Impress them on your first date by showing up in a shirt with their face on it.
My doctor told me I’ve been using Q-tips incorrectly. At least I think that’s what she told me. I couldn’t really hear her that well.
The trend of high school girls dressing as Steve Harvey and doing that “SIT ON IT” clip is SENDING MEEE
My suspicious mole cancelled my appointment with a dermatologist.