The weather forecast should include the percentage of answers blowing in the wind
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Just moisturized my hands and now I can’t get out of the bathroom. Send help.
I got you a new pair of cement shoes!
Go ahead, try em on real quick…
never seen my husband madder than the time i snuck on his facebook and blindly ‘liked’ every single post on the feed for 10 minutes
Hotel clerk: You’re eligible for a room upgrade
Me: Sweet!
Clerk: Exactly
“Stressed” backwards is “desserts” so chill and have that cupcake.
cop: could you please describe the man who tried to kill you
me: yeah he was not nice
Skrillex! It’s your cousin Marvin. Marvin Skrillex! Know that sound you’ve been looking for? I think I found it! *holds phone up to blender*
I’m so glad the “you break it, you buy it” policy doesn’t apply to hymens.
Jesus: I have to die because of sin
God: Yes
Jesus: Which you created as punishment
God: Yes
Jesus: For eating an apple
God: Yes
Jesus: No
Accidently went when it wasn’t my turn at a 4 way stop so now I have to follow this car home to apologize
“Daddy, why is it dark at night?”
It gives the ghosts and zombies a time to run around and collect little kids. Goodnight, hunny.
*a horse, dog and penguin walk into a bar
Bartender: Seriously, why are we even paying the bouncer?
brain: cactus.
me: ok.
brain: touch it.
me: but it’s sharp.
brain: i know but HOW sharp.
If the future is now, then how come the pizza I’m gonna order later isn’t here yet?
Woke up this morning expecting a raging headache. My husband said, “Wanna know why your head doesn’t hurt so bad? Your last several gin and tonics I ordered for you were just water.”
Jennifer Aniston is always cast in the same role because she’s a victim of Rachel profiling.
I love friendship errands, where you do a little task with a friend by your side for company, like pick up your prescription or stop at the post office or transport a ring of power to Mordor
if i die wearing my guy fieri fire shirt will i be camouflaged in hell
Calories don’t count – no one taught them Math.
I’ve been turning my clocks back a minute per day for the last 59 days so this shit is going to be smooth sailing for me, suckers.
How many situps do I have to do before I get a 6 pack? Please say 5.
Let’s tell the truth cell phone. I don’t have six missed calls. I have six ignored calls.
If you want to flirt with babes, just use cereal slogans like “You look magically delicious” or “I wanna put 2 scoops of raisins in dat ass”
[little snake covering himself with glue before school so his crush will think he started shedding]
My favorite pastime is roasting marshmallows over the bridges I burn.
Interviewer: “What did you like best about your last job?”
Me: “Sometimes, people had birthdays and there was free cake.”
Me [being murdered in my home]:
“Can you take your shoes off?”
When friends or family ask me if I’m going to have another baby, I just gesture at the chaos of my life and yell, “ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?”
Him: How was your day?
Me: (watching a movie about a shark trapped in a grocery store) Very busy.
[first date at restaurant]
ME: so, do you like dogs?
HER: I’m more of a-
ME: CHECK PLEASE