My favorite Disney princess is Ariel. Gotta love a woman who can’t talk for half the movie.
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The part I don’t like about the show Unsolved Mysteries is when the mysteries don’t get solved.
I appreciate customer photos on Amazon because sometimes I think, “I would love to buy this item, but first, I need to see it at its saddest”
I waved to a man because I thought he waved at me.
Apparently he waved to an other woman. So to get out of the awkward situation I kept my hand up and a taxi pulled over and drove me to the airport. I am now in Poland starting a new life.
I want to be in shape enough that I fit into my favorite jeans but not so much that people ask me to help them move
ground deer meat in a bun—call that a Sloppy Doe
Unfortunately, Yoda’s proposal came across as more of a statement, possibly even a threat. And so, he lived out his life alone, forever pining for “which got away, the one.”
“Emergency Defibrillator”
As opposed to the one we keep around for fun?
If possums have taught me anything, it’s how to dramatically play dead when anyone comes over unannounced.
Doctor: you have to stop eating pizza
Me: but why?
Doctor: bc I need to examine you
Accidentally drew my eyebrows on too dark and thick and now I live on Sesame Street with Ernie.
i like to walk around my neighborhood leaving helpful notes in ppls mailboxes, such as, “doric columns don’t belong on a mid-century modern. what is u doing?” or “ur home has a mix of window styles that makes me wonder about the aesthetic you were going for. what is u doing?” or
Thoughts that keep me awake….
why don’t flamingos have one really muscley leg?
*this tweet is brought to you by rum…*
“if you had to pick only one musical group to strand on a desert island, which would be the most appropriate to do that to?”
“maroon 5”
M: Twitter has helped me tremendously as a writer, as it demands tightness and brevity.
Friend: What do you write?
M: Oh, only tweets now.
Setting a dowry for my teenage daughter. So far I’ve got 2 dogs, 1 little sister and an ant farm. Act before midnight, I’ll toss in an iPad.
NUTRITIONIST: did you know that one beer equals 7 slices of bread?
ME: wow, what a time saver.
Egg drop soup
Egg clumsy
Egg bad waiter
Egg fired again
Egg turn to life of crime
So glad my cats are trained to check if I’m sleeping o.k. every 10 minutes starting g at 4 am.
Every time I see people kiss goodbye as they get out of a car, I think how lucky I am that I didn’t get that Uber driver.
me: [looking at basketball rim] do you think I can still dunk?
wife: give me back the baby
You would think my neighbors would appreciate me petting their dogs every day.
But nooooo, they’re too worried about how I keep getting into their house.
Never get drunk with someone who has rented a chainsaw or a wood chipper.
Mom, look at my diarrhea.
— My 5yo holding up the diary I bought him at his school’s Scholastic book fair
If I ever catch my kid vaping, I’m going to make him eat an entire fedora.
No thank you free mattress on the side of the road, I prefer to get my crabs the old fashioned way, by sleeping with complete strangers.
i’m no stephen hawking but i think
what happens is that they cancel
each other out
Me: Sometimes when I’m eating string cheese I pretend I’m a medieval torturer trying to get a confession from a prisoner.
Therapist: So, anyway, I’m going to double your meds.
me: “£4,000 for a beehive?”
salesman: “sir, there are 8,000 bees in there, that’s only 50p each”
me: [checking my wallet] “give me 3 bees”
Cute stranger: *smiles at me*
Me: *already imagining who will get custody of the dog*