You say potato, I say get the hell out of my bathroom
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*forgets why I walked into a room*
*remembers lyrics to a song I heard once 20 years ago*
why was 6 mad when 7 won her a stuffed elephant? because 7 1 1 4 9 2
Thanks for the swallow!
-bird collectors (you perv!!!)
[around a campfire]
Children: You’re asking us to be afraid of a story about a man with cats for hands?
Me: Each of the victims’ faces were so scratched up that…
[kittens start pouring out of my sleeves] No, not yet, guys
Me: 🎵 mama
My Mom: hi son
Me: 🎵 just killed a man
My Mom: new phone who dis
Neighbor: OMG your yard looks amazing
Me: thanks, I pee in it every Saturday night
Boss: It’s been a tough year Jim
J: Am I laid off?
B: No
J: Fired?
B: No
J: What then?
B: You’re to be executed at noon.
J: This is bullshit
Wait you misunderstood. When I called you “doll face,” I was referring to Chucky.
Writing historical fiction is so benignly chaotic, like I’m in the middle of composing an intense, heartfelt, philosophical scene then suddenly I have to open a new tab for “when were towels invented”
BREAKING: Hillary Clinton concedes election to Donald Trump, saying “I just can’t see how I can win after Scott Baio endorsed Trump.”
WebMD: you have all the diseases
Dark WebMD: and here’s how to spread them
Jesus needed to sleep in a cave for 3 days and he didn’t even have kids
Me- “Sorry I can’t”
Friend- “Why not?”
M- “Working on my book”
F- “Neato! What about?”
M- “It’s a collection of ways to escape obligations”
Thanks for the Christmas card featuring the ultrasound photo.
Here’s one of my family gathered around an MRI of my knee.
‘Us Weekly’ Wins Pulitzer For Outstanding Achievement In Photoshopping A Rip Between Divorced Celebrity Couple
me: [slides bank teller a note]
bank teller: what’s a “roblery”
It doesn’t matter how many signs I put up around the office, HR said high five a co-worker in the face with a shovel day isn’t a thing.
My first workout back at the gym was great… I did 15 mins of cardio, 10 mins on the defibrillator, and then 3 days in the hospital.
Sex is like pizza. Turtles are having it in the sewers.
Some music just moves you. For example this Taylor Swift song playing on the radio makes me wanna drive off a cliff
When a store says “trusted since 1982” I just wonder what shady shit they were up to in 1981.
Hippos at the Cincinnati Zoo getting some pumpkin snacks.
the eight spiders I swallowed last year have woven together the microplastics inside me to create a tiny starship enterprise and are zooming towards my brain as we spe
“You know, the average woman does it at least 8 times a year in her sleep.” -Peter Parker attempting to convince Mary Jane to swallow
Probably just poor graphic design…
Still not gonna drink from it.
Me to client: Is there anywhere else you’re purchasing supplies with other than me?
Client: sadly no. Just you.
Me:
Client: I didn’t mean it like that!
Inventor of the Ouija Board: I have created the most evil family game ever
Inventor of Monopoly: oh, child
cashier: whoa 58 boxes of Mac and Cheese, having a party tonight?
me:
Cashier:
me:
Cashier:
me: sure
Get off of twitter and pay attention to me
Netflix, probably