[inventor of green tea] what if tea didn’t make you feel awake but also tasted bad
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If you put holy water in a humidifier it turns the room into a gas chamber for vampires.
Cop: Did you murder all your friends and make a smoothie out of their dead bodies?
Strawberry Shortcake: I’ve been berry naughty!
Ain’t no mountain high enough? Have you seen them?
[sketchy parking lot]
stranger: hey man, can you jump my car?
me: maybe if i get a running start
No one makes more observations than a child sharing a stall with his mother inside a public restroom.
“Church of England Formally Approves Female Bishops”. Congratulations British women! You can now move diagonally!
Me:”The store didn’t have any bread so I brought flour”
Wife:”If they didn’t have butter would you buy a cow”
*sound of hooves in kitchen*
Me: I couldn’t eat another thing.
Narrator: Oh, she ate another thing. And then some.
Postcards are just weird. It’s like, “Hey everyone, feel free to read what I wrote to my aunt until it’s delivered to her house.”
I congratulated a friend on his new baby on IG & his wife immediately sent me a message asking how I knew him.
I was his Sunday school teacher 25 years ago. Calm down, Brittany.
Always be yourself. Unless you can be Batman.. Then be Batman.
I finally had to tell the dog he was adopted.
(my very first day as President)
Alright folks here’s the deal, we’re gonna turn the volume of motorcycles down a skosh
To the Canada goose standing on one leg I watched for six minutes to make sure you had two legs: you sure took your sweet time about it
My wife traumatically ripped the blankets off me last night. But I will recover.
Just saw a ‘Jesus 2020’ sign and I had no idea he was running
Accidentally switched the baby formula with coconut milk and now my newborn is complaining that her lullabies are “too mainstream.”
[2am]
wife: where in the hell have you been
me: well the boys and i were at the club-
my sound effects guy: *rap air horns*
me: leonard my god no not right now
Me: If you could sleep with —
Wife: Ryan Reynolds!
Me: –the window opened a little bit, I would appreciate it.
I love greens, but not in a sexual way
Platonic salads, so to speak
they said marry your best friend but then got all weird when I proposed to my dog pick a lane
HIM: the first rule of fight club is never talk about fight club
ME: but we’re talking about it now
HIM: I mean like to your friends
ME: were not friends?
HIM: I mean kinda but-
ME: *crying* this hurts worse than getting punched
Roses are red
violets are blue
celery is green
bees are black and yellow
please help me I can’t stop
pumpkins are orange
satan is vermillion
Ffs 🤦♀️ I forgot to get skinny for the summer again
I always wanted to be an anesthesiologist but I gave up that dream because I couldn’t figure out how to spell it.
“I’m practicing self care” I scream at the buffet waitress as she tries to wrench a whole steam tray full of lobster from my hands
This tape doesn’t even taste like scotch.
TV shows and movies have given us the impression that working in the FBI is exciting, but it actually involves carrying a bunch of boxes out of a house. It’s like having to help someone move every day.
Congratulations on angrily speeding past me to get to the red light first. You’re special.