I’ve been practicing Social Distancing my whole life.. Just sayin.
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Him: Hey girl, what’s your sign?
Me: My favourite is probably “McDonalds, Next Exit” what’s yours?
[hotel fire alarm]
M: *in pjs* How did people get dressed and outside so quickly?
H: It’s 10am, they were already dressed.
M: impressive
You can’t change a person unless they wear adult diapers
art teacher: is that a bird or a plane
young clark kent: *crumples self portrait*
[at the bar]
Her: My break up has been so hard…nothing could possibly hurt as much as this!
Sticks A Knife In People Steve: Lol
Women are like ripe peaches, they don’t keep as well in the refrigerator after they’ve been cut in half.
ME: sure, but how often do you come across a good peephole?
HER: I asked if you were a “people” person
ME: ohhh…definitely not
The story of the Titanic speaks to me because I once tripped over a bag of ice at a party & then killed over 1,500 people.
Me: Can I stick a finger in it?
Wife: No.
M: C’mon, it’ll be HOT.
W: …
M: Just my pinky?
W: Keep away from the sauce and go set the table.
Son, take a look around you…
*motions to piles of unpaid bills*
Someday all of this will be all yours.
It’s true. Parents that use drugs, have kids that use drugs. So, there’s an important lesson here…
Don’t have kids.
detective: take him away boys
video: *being dragged away* I DIDNT KILL THE RADIO STAR. I WAS FRAMED
YouTube: *flicks cigarette* the plan is going perfectly
*has hiccups for 30 seconds*
MY LIFE IS PURE SHIT
Who named it “Viagra” …..
and not “Miracle Grow” ?
My teen isn’t feeling well and WebMD says imminent death but Google classroom says imminent math test.
My OnlyFangs is just me snapping my teeth at the camera and biting someone occasionally.
After speaking with the psychiatrist, I’ve learned that “hungry” is in fact NOT an emotion. So I’m in the market for a new psychiatrist.
[first guy to discover magic mushrooms]
those…those were not portobellos
“what do your tattoos mean?” that I can’t be trusted with $200
Why is “silly goose” a phrase have u ever met a goose they are the most serious and powerful dinosaur lookin monsters I’ve ever encountered not one of them is silly
America is the greatest country on earth at thinking it’s the greatest country on earth.
I often think if I’d taken a different path in life, I could be lying on a slightly more comfortable sofa right now.
I don’t think that i’ve ever made anyone get the butterflies. Dry heave yeah but i don’t think…no
Dear God, make me a bird. So I can fly real high and then shit on people.
wicked witch: I’ll get you, my pretty, and your little dog too
john wick: *blushing* you think i’m pretty?
did you ever just eat something because your mouth was closer than the garbage?
Her: I like a guy who’s mechanically inclined
Me: *tilts my chair back all the way*
Her: no, I mean good with cars
Me: *hits play on the movie Cars*
I kept my married name. I don’t hate anyone enough to go to the DMV.
People say I’m self-centered, but the important thing is that they’re talking about me
Reminding Dad I’m too old for adoption really bums him out because that was one of his favorite threats when I was growing up