I’m pretty like a car crash.
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[Mom group]
New mom: My six-month-old is teething.
My mom: My 30-year-old won’t move out.
ME: Hey Alexa, is bread a type of cheese?
Hitman that’s been hiding in my closet: [leaving my house] Ok you have your own thing going on.
I hate Valentine’s Day but I do enjoy infant archery.
mark zuckerberg is so rich that if he gets hit in the face with a cream pie, it is not worth his time to clean it off. he just walks around like that all day
It’s not illegal to tell a ghost story when a cop shines a flashlight in your face
Called in telepathically this morning, so they know I’m thinking of them.
Friend, cradling a baby: I just love the smell of babies!
Me: Yes, delicious.*friend frowns; I discretely check my Conversational Human guide*
Me: Yes, “nice.”
BATMAN: Thanks for filling in while Robin is away.
MOTHMAN: *Just repeatedly flying into the bat signal*
A cashier could hand me a receipt & say “go online and fill out the survey and in a week they’ll deposit $10M into your bank account” and I still wouldn’t take the damn survey.
[party]
ME: I’m uncomfortable
BF: Just mingle
ME: Do I introduce myself?
BF: We’re at your family reunion
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
You didn’t, the brakes did.
Cop: But do you know why?
Cuz I pressed the pedal with my foot?
Cop: Get out.
The CDC says it’s a small boulder the size of a large boulder.
Bacon is the duct tape in the culinary world. It fixes almost any dish.
I feel bad for tailgating this minivan so closely but once I started watching Kung Fu Panda on his back seat TV I had to see it through.
reminder: the best way to say benedict cumberbatch is to the tune of photograph by nickelback
It’s weird that when demons possess people, they rarely seem to speak the same language. It speaks to an underlying problem of managerial disorganization in hell imo
I’ve never been to hell, but I once forgot to buy batteries for my 6 year old son’s toys on Christmas morning.
He kept asking to see “more” of me but for some reason my colonoscopy results were “too much”
Foh
God is watching everything. God is sitting on side upper birth.
If both kids are screaming….
….both kids are alive.
It’s science
[My date and I both speak at the same time]
Me: Haha sorry! You go firstDate: I was just gonna say I love this wine, and the food is delicious. What were you gonna say?
Me: Should male sheep be called heep?
What a year we’ve had this week.
Sent my husband to work with leftovers from dinner last night. His co-workers are going to be so jealous of his bowl of cereal.
I deal with my problems in the order they were received.
Right now they’re all on hold listening to crappy music.
I follow ripped guys around the grocery store and just buy what they buy
Girl: I like good boys
Me [trying to impress her]: *shapeshifts into a pack of smiley golden retrievers*
*returns copy of “how to stop procrastinating” at high school reunion*
Had an epiphany today.
The Grammy performers prove that no matter age, sex, race, religion or looks, I have no idea who most them are.
Just saw someone holding a sign that said “Honk 2 impeach Obama”
You’d think the process to impeach a president would be more complicated