I have this funny thing I do where I say ‘we should grab a beer sometime’ when what I mean is ‘I need to end this call now’.
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[commercial for soap]
NARRATOR: soap. it fights dirty.
I saw a silver squirrel running up a tree while walking my dog today, so you know what that means…
Nothing. It means absolutely nothing.
Ghosts will turn lights on and off, open and close doors, move objects, but never once have they ever turned on a treadmill and I think that’s very telling.
The Golden Girls is the most relatable TV show for a millenial, as I too will be renting with several roommates until I’m 80
Maybe being fat isn’t bad, it just sounds awful because we say ‘morbidly obese’. Let’s switch it to ‘cheerfully obese’ and see what happens.
This is why I don’t delete Facebook
[having sex]
me: *finishing first* I win again!
wife: you really don’t
If you hate Capitalism so much, then just write everything in lower case. Problem solved.
I rented this bobcat to help me dig up my new pool but he won’t even hold the shovel. He’s just eating all the neighborhood squirrels.
DATE: Do you like sports?
ME: *nervously* Sure.
DATE: What’s your favorite sport?
ME: *panicking* Panicking.
My friend tripped and fell, ran into a tree and broke her nose on her morning run this morning. I reminded her, I maybe got a little out of breath, but didn’t hurt anything eating cheesecake in bed.
I wrote a song called “I’m Walking Up a Hill.” Here are the lyrics:
[panting]
[panting]
[panting]
Jesus H. Christ
What I lack in drive, I more than make up for in drive-thru.
I never feel greater anxiety than the anxiety I feel when I watch people leaving a Marvel movie during the credits.
Cookie Monster first year: Cookie Rookie
Cookie Monster skip school: Cookie Hookie
Cookie Monster be sad: Cookie Sookie
Cookie Monster has a poo: Cookie Dookie
Cookie Monster does a sex: Cookie Nookie
Wanna know what’s cold? An airplane toilet seat at 30,000 feet.
Wanna know what’s colder? The stare of the person exiting the restroom after you.
I can’t stop thinking about how a tanning bed really turns you into the human version of a gas station hot dog.
My kids ask the dumbest questions in the car like would you eat your arms if they were pickles? Like obviously the answer is yes.
Nothing sucks more than a Monday.
Daylight Savings Time: Oh hey guys!
No, your baby was definitely crying before I dropped it, that’s why I dropped it.
I tried flirting with my hairdresser today.
I said, “Do you comb hair often?”
When this is over, I’m just going to start hugging nurses and doctors until they get a restraining order.
The package says “Do not eat raw cookie dough” but all I really see is “Pillsbury hates you and doesn’t want you to be happy.”
I was irrationally angry when I realized there were no actual raccoons in Resident Evil
Gotye is just somebody that we used to know.
wanna reboot your brain?
eat spicy ramen
My dog tried to put one paw on the floor instead of the scale when she was being weighed and I was like, “I got you girl”
[summons genie]
genie: are you finally ready to use your wishes
me: no but while you’re here, kindly pass the remote
genie: [visible anger] you can’t keep doing this, this isn’t how this works
Wife *yelling from other room* you’re making bread? Why are you making bread?
Me: Everyone in lockdown is doing it
Duck *holding gun* good answer
[Excavation for dino bones]
DIGGER: Sir, we found something BIG!
DOG PALEONTOLOGIST: *tail wags* Ok go for break [salivating] I’ll finish up