I hope you don’t feel as bloated as you look.
Annnd that’s how the fight started.
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Her: What’s that account pin again?
Me: 051598
Her: Our wedding anniversary?
Me: Yes…they recommended for security purposes that I pick a number that’s insignificant.
Her:
Me: (immediately starts vacuuming)
Before I do anything important, I always ask myself “would this gain house points for Gryffindor or lose house points for Gryffindor?”
Hell hath no fury like a child who found you threw away bubble wrap
[Infomercial]
HOST: Wanna learn how to lose up to 15 pounds with one simple trick?!?
AUDIENCE: Yes!
HOST: Here’s how! *rips off his own arm*
I’m not a religious person but I am thankful that God didn’t make spiders that fly.
[haunted house]
Me: I’m terrified
Jessica: is it the rattling chairs
Erica: is it the bleeding doors
Sarah: is it the possessed portraits
Kate: is it the shaking coffins
Me: I’ve never spoken to this many girls before
me: damn, can’t use the gps, my phone is dead
friend: it’s cool, we have a map
me: nice, we can find a place to charge my phone
If you’re moving to a new house for a “fresh start,” congratulations your new house is haunted.
“Despite my best efforts, my hot air balloon just isn’t going to fly.”
“Dude, that’s a bike with a blanket on it.”
“My best efforts.”
I’ll bet the first ever drive thru window resulted in an incredible amount of broken glass.
The booster protects against what, now?
ME: you look great tonight
DATE: the average woman eats six to nine pounds of lipstick over her lifetime
ME: [nervously flipping thru menu] i don’t think they serve that here
email: CC
my brain: corn cob
You know in a video game when you kept pushing b to get through the talking part but later realized you should’ve read it? That’s adulthood.
(guy glaring at me because he wants to use the stationary bike) *adds 72 hours to cardio workout*
People are all “Sure, I’ll help you move” until they see my prized collection of cement blocks from around the world.
Parents will complain about their kids wanting to read the same book every night and then go watch the office for the bajillionth time.
lil red riding hood: the Internet told me there are two wolves inside of you
granny: *sweating* haha what I don’t even have one haha who reads things on the Internet
I like making detailed sketches of animals but when it comes to snakes I draw a line
[Enter password: ] MyPeeeeeeeeenis
[Error: password too long]
*high fives my laptop right off the desk*
Accidentally drove to work w/the kids still in the car & they waited until I parked to cheer that they weren’t going to school.
Mon-1
Mom-0
I was just reading a list of 100 things you should do before you die.
I am surprised that “Yell for help” is not one of them…
Me: My doctor says I need urgent surgery.
Friend: Oh my god! I’m so sorry. What kind?
Me: Cosmetic.
So lemme get this straight. Han Solo can understand Chewbacca just fine but at age 900, basic English grammar still goes over Yoda’s head.
casting spells in the morning: I use my amulet
casting spells in the afternoon: I use my pmulet
“can you send us a writing sample?” no but i can send you multiple screenshots of me killing it in the group chat
Are @bt_uk responsible for the crime and violence in our society? @funTweeters @TheComedyHumor @OurNameIsFun
explaining to my toddler that we are actually two different people and I can’t read his mind but I know he used to live in my belly so I see where the confusion is
I see that my reputation for using just slightly the wrong word proceeds me.
Wish I was as brave as my kid who just ate zero bites of her dinner and then asked for a snack 6 minutes after the table was clear.