*cop pulls me over*
“blow into this please sir”
“whyy dont you blow on THIS officer!?”
*i hand him a flute & he plays it beautifully*
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Made the mistake of telling my work wife about my Twitter crush. Long story short, the judge awarded her half the snacks in my desk and my good stapler.
I received many personality traits from my mom, but she got her short temper from me.
Me: promise you won’t show anyone?
Him: promise
*sends pics
H: that’s pics of fruit snacks
M: you said you wanted pics of my goods
Staying with my parents, pt. 3:
[4 yo is following my dad around]
Her: Whatcha doin?
Dad: Grabbing things for errands
Her: Whatcha doin now?
Him: Going to the garage
Her: Where you goin now?
Him: WHAT ARE YOU THE KGB? YOU GONNA REPORT BACK TO MOTHER RUSSIA?! LEAVEMEALONE
I just ate a kid’s meal at McDonald’s. His mom tried to stop me but I’m too fast
Passwords are by far the best way to keep me from accessing any of my stuff
processed food was literally designed for you to eat. organic is just some crap they found on the ground somewhere
My husband’s on a work Skype, so every few minutes I silently cross the room behind him dressed as a new character from Wicked.
Always let those you hate have the lion’s share.
Then tell the lion.
Justin Bieber’s career died for your sins.
[on a date]
*showing her pics of my pet lizards*
ME: “and I named this one Queen Elizardbeth”
HER: “I must have sex with you immediately”
wut hotdog?
Spreads legs… Nope
Spreads two other legs …. Nope
Spreads two others …. Dammit, no
Spreads last two…. BINGO!!
– spider sex
ME: I can’t believe it’s not butter
FRIEND: This is a shoe
ME: Omg I can’t believe it
“Oh, Monster TRUCK rally. Haha of course…”
*Frankenstein slowly backs out of the room, hiding a 24 pack of condoms behind his back*
My husband hates pickles so much he put consuming them in front of him as a dillbreaker in our pre-nup
[inventor of green tea] what if tea didn’t make you feel awake but also tasted bad
I like to imagine Supreme Court is just like regular court but with tomatoes and sour cream.
mom: you’re grounded
me: i can’t wait until i’m an adult and no one can do that to me
[20 years later]
amazon: your package will arrive between 8am and 6pm
I use italics as a form of revenge. Being a writer has ruined my posture, so I’m going to do the same to these words.
It’s like the people in this restroom don’t even want my help unbuttoning their pants.
STOP RUNNING AWAY I JUST WANT TO HELP YOU
*walks away from an explosion in slow motion
*walks right into another explosion in slow motion
Imagine my surprise when I found out that don’t is not the abbreviation for donut
The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.
I’m about to go for a run as soon as I text all my enemies and let them know.
“Do I need to put my shoes back on for this?” is apparently a bad answer when your boss calls you into a meeting
If it comes down to Joe Biden vs Donald Trump we should just accept our fates & let a chili dog eating contest determine who’s president.
A new report claims 90% of fish could be wiped out in a mass extinction. On the plus side – it will make it much easier to find Nemo.
HER [sits seductively on my lap] The more you tip…the more I’ll take off
ME [reaches for wallet] This is such a weird way to cut hair
My kid told me her toy tarantula and bat had babies and I’ll never sleep again