I bought beard oil yesterday, so now I have to pick a favorite IPA.
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Welcome to your 40s: here’s another chin, have a nice day.
LUKE: daddy, what’s my name from?
ME: it’s from the bible
CHEWBACCA: and mine?
ME: umm [sweating] also the bible
I used to blame all my problems on my parents, but now that I’m a grown up, I have come to terms with the fact that when bad things happen to me, it’s probably just that Mercury’s in retrograde again.
I have eaten 10 relaxation candles and I don’t feel relaxed???
“Is it better to be feared, or to be loved?” Cats chose both, and they’re doing fine
I’m a regular guy just like you. I put my pants on one leg at a time while thinking about how far I could throw each kind of bird while it sleeps.
Why did a spider just crawl out of the pants that I’ve been wearing all day?
WHY DID A SPIDER JUST CRAWL OUT OF THE PANTS THAT I’VE BEEN WEARING ALL DAY?!
“Well, this is no good. How do I turn it off?” – The first primate to experience consciousness
My obsession with building townhouses is going to give me a complex one of these days.
Sure kids cost roughly $14,000 annually, but think about all the money you save from no longer having a social life.
Taking pity on my neighbors and finally getting motorized blinds on my windows… they’ve suffered enough.
Whoever left me in charge of all this booze is going to have a lot to answer for tomorrow.
ME [suspicious my therapist’s a ghost] I keep having a dream about a wall
THERAPIST: Maybe u could walk me through it
ME [quietly] Holy shit
Life is a cherry tomato and I’m a plastic fork.
The news reported a story about an angry woman, in a grocery store, that drop-kicked a cake.
Dear God, woman. Not the cake!
it’s cute when your doc says to be on strict bed rest when you have a 10 mo old and your husband is gone. lol i’ll just call my magic fairies. they can handle it and probably even wash the car and then we can all dance around together and eat pizza without getting fat
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who asked for oatmeal and you have the audacity to give them oatmeal.
Recruiter (calling me at work): Are you able to talk?
Me: Since the age of two.
ADAM: oh look the McRib is back
EVE: stop calling me that
Guy on the plane threw a fit about sitting next to my Therapy Scorpion
[strip to the waist for my fight club debut]
Opponent: “dude they meant the top half” *walks away*
[I claim victory and retire undefeated]
Have kids first so that you know whether or not you can keep a dog alive
Happy Lunch to those who celebrate!
78 just saw the ring light in my bedroom.
I told him that it’s for the plants.
Oh, he said, and went on his way.
There are no plants in my room.
I like to play 20 Questions with my kids but I always ask the questions and every question is “Will you please stop that?”
Two little monkeys
Jumping on the bed
One fell off and
Bumped his head EXACTLY HOW THEIR MOM SAID SOMEONE WOULD BUT NO ONE LISTENS TO HER.
dog 911: what’s your emergency
dog: there’s an intruder
dog 911: is he in your house?
dog: no, he’s across the street
dog 911: that’s not a problem
dog: what if he comes over here?
dog 911: OH GOD WHAT IF HE DOES
dog: SHOULD I BARK?
dog 911: FOR THE LOVE OF DOG YES
me: *googling* am I dying
web md: nope just sad
me: oh good
web md: and extremely melodramatic tbh
me: that’s fair
web md: and I think your anxiety would be more manageable if you got a job and paid rent
me: *shouting from the basement* mom did you hack my computer again
Having a boyfriend is so awesome like there’s just a guy in ur house whose job it is to know where countries are and what exactly Watergate was
Me: My waitress said “Have a nice day” and I replied “I love you too, Mommy.” Lol, that could happen to anyone, right?
Therapist’s notes: “I’ve got a live one here.”