i wanna do one of those guy takes a picture of himself everyday for a year but i’m afraid people will be like wow he really wears that sweater a lot
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My college kid makes a Hot Pocket nearly everyday, and still reads the directions every time he cooks one.
him: will you at least act normal when my folks get here
me: *flipping a pancake and reading it like a tarot card* bad news
wife *comes downstairs* How long has my mom been here?
me: About an hour
wife:
me:
wife *lets her in*
I wish I had the confidence of my 8yo who boldly declared she was going to teach her younger sister to read “real quick”.
No one likes my practical joke of licking all the spoons in their house at 3am and that’s why I need my feelings journal today
super glad this box of pasta says “store in a cool dry place” because i usually keep all of my groceries in a bog
Secret to a successful marriage is to compliment your spouse before discussing tasks and chores
ME: [watching tv]
FRIEND: You should turn it on tho
Carries bucket and fishing rod and drills hole in the ice.
Voice: There is no fish here!
Me: Wow, is that God?
V: No, the arena director.
I never leave home without my phone charger but I’m always unprepared in every other way.
“Let’s agree to disagree.”
TRANSLATION: You’re so painfully wrong on every conceivable level that I just need you to shut up now.
John Denver: Almost heaven-
Me: Wow the place he’s singing about must be amazing
John Denver: -West Virginia
Me: Ok
absolutely no one knows the words of “who let the dogs out” apart from the “who let the dogs out” bit
[picking out a washing machine]
how many watermelons can this hold?
“uhh I dunno, 11?”
only 11?
*keeps walking to next one*
how many waterme
FRIEND: it’s saturday! you know what that means…
ME: hell yeah baby *secretly googles what does saturday mean*
“So your new carol is just eight verses of you demanding figgy pudding with increasing hostility.”
“That’s right.”
“And it’s called We Wish You A Merry Christmas?”
“Yes”
“Buts it not really about Christmas is it? It’s mostly about figgy—“
“—figgy pudding yeah.”
“LUKE CHECK OUT HOW HARD I CAN CRY”
#RuinABandNameWithOneLetter
Mullet For My Valentine
The length of time toddlers stare at each other on the playground would get you stabbed if you did that shit as an adult.
*I see my life flash before my eyes
*it pauses to buffer
Therapist: What’s something you can do to stimulate your mind during this time?
Me: Bank robbery
Therapist: That’s not a crime
Me: I’m out of ideas
[driving to the next town over]
me: maybe you wanna stop and ask for directions?
husband, driving us through the boonies: nonsenseme: now maybe?
husband, passing a ‘welcome to canada’ sign: nome: just ask already
husband, somehow in the middle of the ocean: I WILL NOT
You: Nothing more patriotic than fireworks on the 4th of July.
Your dog: OMG! KIM JONG-UN IS UNLEASHING THE FULL POWER OF HIS NUCLEAR STOCKPILE. THIS IS NOT A DRILL! REPEAT: NOT. A. DRILL.
[job interview]
Him: Do you use drugs or alcohol?
Me: No.
Him: What’s your salary requirement?
Me: To be able to afford drugs & alcohol.
(Inception)
Leonardo DiCaprio: where’d he go?
me: *wakes up to pee for the 4th time*
“that’s not actually your good side” look wal mart photographer I don’t have the energy for you to do me like this today
My 3 moods:
1. I’m too tired for this shit
2. I’m too old for this shit
3. I’m too sober for this shit
Due to inflation they will now be known as Maroon 6, Sum 47 and 103 Degrees, respectively
Me: “I don’t make everything sexual”
*plugs phone into charger*
“You like that huh?”