Coworker: First case of coronavirus in our city.
Me: *coughs*
Coworker:
Me: *hands coworker gun* You know what needs to be done.
Coworker: You choked on water. I saw you.
Me: YOU KNOW WHAT NEEDS TO BE DONE.
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Taking a break from my mental health to focus on Twitter
I did nothing wrong—I tried to do nothing and did it wrong.
My favorite part of Beethoven’s 5th symphony is the rap battle 18 minutes in.
no!! no!!!!!!
Is ‘Monkey Bread’ for monkeys, made by monkeys or made from monkeys?
Rumor has it, that if you look up from your phone you can see all kinds of pretty colors in the trees this time of year.
pictures of spider-man
Bury me in a werewolf costume so when I come back as a zombie people will be like “lol what”
Someone sent this to me and it’s bone chilling in its accuracy
Friend was telling me a story of how she made her parents drive around to 4 different places looking for a hot dog “with skin”. They kept trying to explain that they all have skin. Turns out what she wanted was a corn dog.
9: Mom, why are all those girls standing on their tiptoes?
Me: Because they’re ballet dancers
9: Why didn’t they just get taller girls?
Today’s assignment:
If anyone asks you what you’re doing this weekend, grab them and shake them saying “What have you heard? WHAT HAVE YOU HEARD???”
Give a man a fish he eats for a day then explains fishing to you even though you’re the one who gave him the fish
REASONS TO BRING BACK DRAGONS
• can cook your toast
• would be a warm and wholesome nap partner
• riding one + your cloak fluttering behind you is epic
• they can scream companionably with you
• if you’re losing an argument, your dragon can just eat the person
Interviewer: Can we call your former employer for a reference?
Me: Not if you’re considering me for the job.
Maybe I just didn’t state this eloquently enough where’s my hammer?
Her: Where have you been?
Me: I went to see a shrink.
Her: Are you having emotional problems?
Me: No… I just want to be smaller.
I was just interrogated by my 7yo who, frankly, was SHOCKED to discover her dad is my first and only husband and I don’t want to know what that says about me
im gonna have a productive weekend
*watches 3 seasons of a show*
*organizes shirts by softness*
*naps 5 times*
ugh i never have enough time
if someone asks me if I need help finding something in a department store I like to slowly describe a gun
[family brunch]
Sister: We’d love you to be our daughter’s godmother.
Me: No thank you. Please pass the syrup.
I think it’s fun that witches chose brooms to fly on, but if I were them, I’d fly on a rifle. This way when you land you have a rifle.
Bank Teller: Ma’am, this is a regular bank, not a blood bank. Please stop trying to give me your blood
Me: Oh this isn’t mine
Marriage: an institution where having to slightly adjust your mirrors every time you get in your car puts you in a homicidal rage.
Some of you take selfies from so close up, I’m beginning to wonder if you’re a T-Rex.
*calls out under the bed
Me: Are you still there?
Monster: Nope. Go to sleep.
*races to airport
*hurdles though security
*sees her at boarding gate
*shouts her name
*romantic music swells
I RAN OVER YOUR CAT
I hate when I go to review a podcast and someone before me said “wow, this pod makes my daily 6 mile run fly by!” and I’m like cool it also makes eating this giant bag of cheese balls fly by.
Why do I keep paying the bills? It just encourages them to send more.
canceling plans is ok. staying home to cook is ok. disappearing for a bit to get your life together is ok. resurfacing in a foreign country with a new name 10 years later is ok. it’s called self care