A woman was charged with stalking after sending 65,000 text messages.
Which one of you was it?
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“Oh you have a hot tub? You never mentioned it” said no one ever.
Interviewer: Please put your kazoo away
Ran into my wife at the library when we were both supposed to be “out with friends”
I just accidentally said “I love you” when hanging up with the auto shop guy, so I’m just going to leave my car there and buy a new one
[guy about to invent monopoly]
*looking at friends* i have too many of these
I’m filled with joy when I see the “baby on board” sign attached to the car in front of mine, but sadness washes over me when I realise the car is a hearse. Only when I notice that it’s being driven by a baby do I begin to have mixed feelings
Me: *considering sleeping in*
My dog: No no no no no let’s go let’s go let’s gooooo.
ME: we need to talk
BOYFRIEND: I agree. I was thinking—
ME: the fact that Rudolph’s nose was shiny says nothing about its actual luminosity & if it DID glow, red is the least bright light that human eyes see which is why it’s used in observatories. It wouldn’t help Santa at all
brent use the shallow end
why
you’re not a strong swimmer
I am so *jumps*
[doesnt surface because I have $1.75 worth of change in my pocket]
Interviewer: Why do you think you’d make a good waiter?
Me: (says nothing)
Interviewer: are you…waiting?
Me: *nods*
Interviewer: holy shit
Fact if it’s mother is trapped under a car, baby adrenaline gives a baby the super strength of eight babies. But that’s not enough babies!
The Pope is putting out a Christmas album. And just like that, Lady Gaga now has the SECOND weirdest wardrobe in music
My kid: Mommy, why am I sick again?
Me: *thinking back to him doing the worm on the floor at target* probably because you didn’t finish your broccoli last night.
I applied for a loan from the U.S. Government, but was turned down because I had a legitimate repayment plan
Her: Dude, back off. You’re totally scaring away all the hot guys checking me out at the gym.
Me: You do realize I’m your boyfriend right?
[date]
HER: I absolutely love Star Wars
ME: Oh me too
HER: What’s your favorite part?
ME: *nervously* Uh, when the stars go to war
Did you know a hummingbird has to consume half its body weight in sugar every day and that I don’t have to do that but I still also do that?
I picked up 13 from a function tonight and he brought back a whole pizza left over. I ate a slice on the way home. Then I realized oh shit I’m 40 and oh shit it’s 9pm.
[ bad kitty ]
me: cut it out
cat: ?
me: stop it
cat: ?
me: knock it off
cat: now we’re talking
A drunk man walks into a bank. He’s holding an uncooked fruit. What does he say?
“This is a raw berry!”
Plot twist: This time the dog opens the door and I run away.
Last Christmas I requested the electric chair for my mother-in-law and Santa brought her a motorised recliner. FML!
I don’t have kids or a dog. What can I bring into a bar that will make everyone mad?
“So kids, I was married to your mom & I met this girl on Twitter, we started DMing and one thing led to another”
-How I Met Your Stepmother
My organization style can be best described as “just don’t look in that room.”
Judge: Would the jury now read its verdict.
Head Juror: We, the jury, find George Michael’s feet guilty on all counts of Lacking Rhythm.
George Michael’s feet: *uncontrollable sobbing followed by fainting*
George Michael: What the hell is even happening? I’m free to go, right?
Please excuse the house, we’re remodeling.
– whenever we have company and are never remodeling
Milk crates are like a Swiss Army knife for the poor…
Need a stool? Milk crate!
A bookshelf? Milk crate! A side table? Two milk crates!
By age 35 you should have at least two thirds of your hard drive space taken up by recursively nested copies of the hard drives from all your previous computers
The problem with teaching a man to fish is that eventually somebody will microwave that fish in the work break room.