The tooth fairy was drunk again last night and dropped her phone on 8’s head
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“I’m going to enter you now,” I announce to an elevator to the bewilderment of everyone who is already inside. A lady clutches her purse.
Never had a DUI, I always pee after sex
Stick around after sticking around after the Thor 2 credits. Very realistic 3D of a theater manager telling you to leave.
“Jesus take the wheel!” I shout, but Jesus decided to pop out of the sunroof firing a machine gun at our pursuers instead.
1974: 3 hours to buy a movie ticket.
1989: Welcome to Movie-Fone!
2017: *streams Star Wars on toilet*
Mom: we looked at tons of baby names-
Shakespeare: What’s in a name? That which we call a rose by any other name would smell as sweet
Mom: we picked Bertha
Shakespere: oh god ew
“I chose you yesterday, I choose you today, and I will choose you tomorrow.”
– Me, to my coffee
I hate it when people show up at MY house, knock on MY door, and then ask me why I’m not wearing pants.
Me: OH MY GOD I’M BLIND
Wife: *lifts up Burger King crown from covering my eyes*
Which word do you think would make a pretty baby name if it didn’t mean what it meant? I’m going with Omelette.
crow 1: wanna hang out?
undercover cop crow: you’re busted for attempted murder
“My therapist told me to create a calming atmosphere,” I tell the manager, after lighting every candle in the store.
Science says 99% of dust in your home is flakes of human skin but in my home it’s mostly microscopic potato chip crumbs.
I don’t ask for much but can someone please take away the share function on Wordle?
“Someone’s been sleeping in my bed!” said mommy bear. “Who hasn’t” muttered daddy bear. “What?! You wanna do this now, in front of the kid!”
*shitting pants, crying, missing my shoe*
yoga instructor: you need to leave
me: oh is this not child’s pose?
We love walking in the cemetery but it turned into more of a jog after my dog started barking at one of those gravestones with the big kneeling angel on it.
*Rides unicorn to work*
*Gives Bigfoot hi-five*
*Chats with mermaids*
*Argues with Medusa*
*Gets called in to HR*
*Fails drug test*
What wine pairs best with finding out my in-laws are staying a day longer than I thought
Good man! 👦🏻😡💪👍
How excited are you, on a scale from 1 to white woman who just found out that this dinner party has sangria?
My mom didn’t respond to the family gardening group thread when I announced my monarch caterpillars so I called the landline, and it was so worth it. She used to have an “I brake for butterflies” bumper sticker. Definitely more excited than when I told her I was getting married
The seven year old I work for just informed me my haircut makes my hips look wider, so I have that going for me.
Me: how long are you gonna sit there picking your nose? I tried to be polite but this is absurd
Potato Head: I want to look good on my date
12-year-old: *holds up a poster* This is my school project.
Me: What was your objective?
12: To be done with my school project.
Nailed it.
*carves turkey
*puts candle inside and places it on doorstep
Apparently coming to the Easter egg hunt dressed like the playboy bunny was not appropriate.
it is time once again. all hail the thanksgiving tube
ME: So when you’re saying mass is it the real you or are you using your altar ego lol
PRIEST: *rolling up his sleeves* Forgive me Lord for what I am about to do
What kind of car did the electrician drive? A volts-wagon