Boss: If you fall asleep again today, I’ll fire you
Me: ok
Boss: Now go and do the sheep inventory
Me: oh no
You Might Also Like
*opens door
*finds flower petals and candles leading to bedroom
*calls cops to report a break in
WIFE: *reading headline* Bird flu in China
ME: *not looking up from my phone* Birds fly in every country, Sharon.
SPLOOT
When in a heated disagreement with someone, always try to be the bigger person. That way, you can intimidate the other person with your height.
this is not a scam
DM me if you wanna turn your $500 into my $500.
[family vacation]
Son: how much farther?
Me: call me dad
Doctor-requested food diaries suck. Do you know how long it takes to eat a Family Size bag of M&M’s when you have to weigh each one?
There’s nothing sadder then the look on my dogs face after he hears something hit the floor and discovers it’s only lettuce 🙁
If you think women are the weaker sex, try pulling the blankets back to your side.
You can tell they named the aardvark early in the week and the anteater on a Friday.
I left my Kindle on the train. This would have never happened if I was carrying 8 bookshelves full of books with me like in the old days.
[filling out birth certificate]
Me: we’re naming him Greg
Doctor who used to be Starbucks barista: [writes “Grork”]
“Nine Foods You Should Never Eat Again”
Also known as the contents of my refrigerator.
Me: I don’t understand why no one takes me seriously.
Also me: *wearing Cheetos like walrus tusks*
whoa, you should really talk to someone about that!
— me, first day as a therapist
Stop giving me life advice, people who don’t know how crocodiles have sex.
I put two pairs of cargo pants in my cargo pants pockets, just in case I need more cargo pants.
I don’t have a swear jar anymore, I have a swear barrel
Nights in white satin, but it’s me falling off the bed again
Ways to get ants out of your house:
1) Ant traps
2) Say you had a good time but it’s late & you have work tomorrow
3) Set house on fire
Killer: come out come out wherever you are
Me: *hiding*
Killer: omg what a cute puppy!
Me: *jumps out* i wanna see the pup…oh man
I googled “where do ninjas live?” no results were found.
Well played ninjas. Well played.
(at the gym). Hey can somebody spot me while I walk up the stairs?
13: Mom I love Spanish class and guess what!
Me: What?
13: I’m already fluent… un, deux, trois.
Me:
13: Oh wait, that’s French.
Guy knocking on bathroom door after sex:
I think I love you.Me stringing tampons together, making a rope to climb out the window:
Okay….
Tinder is a food delivery app if you’re good at it.
If it doesn’t make you afraid to go to the bathroom the next day, it’s not really hot sauce.
‘Hey mommy look, a bone! Just like we have in our bodies.’
-my 5 year old eating fried chicken and dangerously close to connecting some dots.
me: sorry this place is such a mess
her: it’s my house
Me, in most situations: quick, incisive decision-making.
Me, thinking about what drink to get at a gas station: To be or not to be; that is the question. Whether tis nobler in the mind to suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune, or to take arms against a sea of troub