My stylist: Your hair is dry and damaged.
Me: Hey! I think it’s fine.
My stylist: Yes, that too.
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13 pulled me away from my desk “to come and taste the pizza she made” and incidentally a sink full of dishes ready to wash.
This chick last night told me to do her like her ex husband so I drained her bank accounts and banged her sister
A fellow mom was talking about how another school’s spring break was 2 days longer than ours and said “They could have given our kids 2 more days” and I’m always so confused when people want their kids home longer than necessary.
Thanks for keeping your Instagram account private. I’d hate for those pictures of your lunch to fall into the wrong hands.
Haters gonna hate. And hater stabbers gonna hater stab.
cop: we have reports of you impersonating a police officer
me: were they favorable
Interviewer: what would you say is your biggest weakness?
Me: *high pitched mocking voice* what would you say is your biggest weakness?
[Burger Lounge]
Server: Are you 27?
Me: OMG NO I’M 39 THANK U SO MUCH U MADE MY DAY
Server: I meant your order number, ma’am.
My wife tried on my cargo shorts and now they have fake pockets.
Baby are you the middle of July because I was not ready for you at all and feel very aware that I should have been working out
When she says she prefers the strong, silent type she means her vibrator.
Self-Congratulatory Civility Between Disagreeing Internet Commenters Honestly Worse Than Fight Would Have Been
The older I get, the more I relate to those angry elderly people who go around biting others.
watching the football game but shaking my head the whole time so everybody knows i disagree with it
I’m really proud of myself for getting the daily requirement of produce stickers in my diet today.
Guys, please recycle. We wanna leave a better world for Betty White when we’re gone.
‘Ok i’ll bite’ is both my favourite catchphrase and also why my summer body will be a Homer Simpson body
Dr: do you know why you gained weight?
*Flashbacks to eating fries in the car sobbing and blasting Adele*
Me: no, better run some tests
She doesn’t have a Gmail account cause all her males are hot
I’m always amazed at how eating 2lbs of chocolate can make you gain 47lbs.
i’m not worried about WW111 i’ve been feeding a crow army for 3 yrs
idea for a black mirror episode: a technology called IceBox™ is invented to store food past its natural lifespan by keeping it cold. a man uses the technology to keep some fruit fresh overnight so he can have them for breakfast in the morning, but his roommate, a poet, eats them
Them: You have a debt to society
Me: Well they can get in line
i hate when adults say “tummy.” im a grown up. it’s my STOMACH that hurts because I had too many sweets without mothers permission
The truck in front of me is hauling a fridge. Freezer just flew open and a chicken nugget hit my windshield.
Day. Made.
Pregnant women love it if you go up to them in public and ask if it’s yours
Mom: Did we pack everything? The stupid baby monitor?
Dad: Ugh I hate that annoying dumb thing!
Tiny Monitor Lizard: Ok wow I’m right here
Remember the good old days when you didn’t know how to talk
~Me to my kids when they tell me my jokes are stupid.
4: Mommy, do I look like a taco?
(I pause, consider the question and remind myself I’m dealing with a highly irrational creature)
Me: Do you want to look like a taco?
4: Yes!
Me: You look exactly like a taco.