4: can I have two little muffins?
Me: how about I give you one and if you finish it, I’ll give you another one
4: no I want two NOWWWW
Me: let’s start with one
4: NOOOO TWOOOO
Me: just one
4: TWOOOO
Me:
4:
Me:
4:
Me: FINE *gives her two*
4: *eats only one*
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Coworker: Good morning
Me (suddenly realizing this is my first interaction of the day): How are go?
My son kicked his soccer ball in to a rosebush & now I look like I got between Chester Cheetah & Tony the Tiger at a coke party.
Jesus: Let he who is without sin cast the first stone
Skeletor: *throws stone*
Jesus: HEY!
Skeletor: I’m sorry. Did you say “skin” or “sin?” I don’t have ears.
I made a list of things I would do for fried chicken. I’m not proud of the list, but not ashamed enough to cross anything off.
Why’s this 66 year old fridge better than the one I got now
When you say married… Do you mean married married… or just married?
Who called it “unplugging the life support machine” and not “pulling the RIP cord”?
When two girls hate each other, they say “we should DEFINITELY hang out” and then take turns shouting “definitely!” until one of them dies.
Me:[holding toy] And WHY don’t we make them fight??
Kid:[sighing] Because the last stegosaurus died 83 million years before T-Rex evolved
If I’m wrongly accused of a crime, I’m going to prison. I’m way too introverted to have an alibi.
I signed up for a Yahoo email address and suddenly turned 85 years old.
Me: *turns on faucet*
Husband: *starts talking*
Me: *turns it off* What?
Husband: *says nothing*
Me: *turns on the garbage disposal*
Husband: *starts talking*
Me: *turns it off* What?
Husband: *says nothing*Repeat forever.
Someone suggested a breakfast salad, and then I wondered why someone could be so mean.
It’s so cold that the local flasher was caught *describing* himself
to women.
I haven’t been to Target since February. I wonder how it’s even staying in business without me.
I’m smart, but not “I’ll stop talking while I’m still ahead” smart.
If I hear people screaming, I always go check on them. Not because I’m nosy or some kind of hero. There might be ice cream.
Laptop’s battery: 1 hour 59 minutes
remainingLaptop after 20mins
WIFE: I don’t like pre Christmas, mainly because I’m so bad at buying presents.
ME: You just put them on the counter and give the checkout person money, Sharon.
HER: I hate you.
Coworker: *sneezes*
Me: Bless you
CW: *sneezes*
M: Bless you
CW: *sneezes*
M: Bless you
CW: *sneezes*
M: *stabs them in the neck with a pen*
<— 30 year old female who STILL snickers when the elevator door opens & the electronic voice says “going down”. Never gets old.
Hey ghosts, if you can fog up a mirror you can pick up a broom.
Dad-confession: it took me two pulls to get the mower started today. No one saw it, but I feel I’ve gotta be honest and accountable to all of you when I fall short.
If people start referring to your outfits as “get-ups,” you might want to start rethinking some of your fashion choices.
HEY. Our ancestors didn’t eat brunch. They ate rocks. And fought dinosaurs. Ever heard of fire? They INVENTED it. Enjoy your Bloody Mary.
I want to be financially secure enough to pass up a dime lying in a parking lot. Like “I’ll leave that for someone who needs it”
In Scotland, we stop doing the accent when you guys aren’t around.
Just got my second Covid vax. So now I’m going to need another excuse for why I’m not having sex.
Move over, pizza rat. 🍕 A Philadelphia woman found a groundhog outside of her home munching on a piece of pizza for over an hour, completely unfazed by her two dogs.
If you live in an apartment in NYC you’re already part of the tiny house movement. You’re just in denial and paying too much.