GOD: Sharp pincers
CRAB: Thats dope
GOD: Hard shell
CRAB: Hell ya
GOD: Delicious legs lmao
CRAB: Wtf
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Meiosis is still a better love story than Twilight.
Phil Collins’ “In The Air Tonight” is the best ever song about a silent but deadly fart.
Interview Tip #17
be polite and maintain eye contact
[later]
Interviewer: hello
Me: *staring intensely* yes please
angel: so what are plants gonna eat, since they can’t move to find food?
god: *blows massive line* they’ll eat the sun
First day as a 911 operator:
“whoa, whoa, stop yelling. You called ME, remember?”
Don’t we all get absurdly territorial when a spider spins a web in that special corner of the house where we would have built our cocoon if humans did that?
Me [double-clicking a word to select it]
Microsoft Word: are you trying to select this entire sentence?
Me: no, just the one word
Microsoft Word: ok are you trying to select the entire paragraph?
Me: no, just that word…
Microsoft Word: ok I’ll just delete this entire page
shark tooth fairy: *throwing fins up in the air* I quit
Best spoiler warning ever
[Ouija Board]
“Oh great spirits tell me ur secrets”
You'll die soon
“OMG HOW”
Hold on I have another call
There’s no way witnessing the birth of your child is better than seeing your luggage come out first on the baggage carousel.
mom, did you know there are more kids than teachers at my school?
-my 7 year old making the best of her public education
Take a look at trending topics and you’ll realize why they have to write “do not eat” on dry silica packets.
I’m staying in an Airbnb and an ice cream truck has just gone through the neighborhood for the fourth time today. I should pack and leave, right?
Devil: Welcome to Hell. Do you know why you’re here?
Me: Um…
D: Seriously?
M: …
D: Arianna, you told your kids they couldn’t have brownie dough because it would give them salmonella and then you ate that shit with your hands after they left.
M: AND ID DO IT AGAIN
A shampoo bottle upside-down in the shower is basically your low-fluid indicator light.
Put my back out twerking in the library again
Gonna bring a notepad and a fancy pen to my next therapy session cause yessiree two can play that game.
My one year-old is going through a horrible tantrum phase, muttering gibberish and then screaming when things don’t go his way.
Basically, his spirit animal is Yosemite Sam.
Pro tip: if you absolutely must speak in court, do not put air quotes around “the law”. Judges don’t like it.
A fun thing to do would be to eat rat poison during a dinner party & then, when you die, they’ll blame the host’s cooking. Lol.
When your parents check you’re ok.
Them: Have you tried dieting?
Me: Have you ever tried pizza?
Christmas movie tip. If you watch Die Hard straight after Love Actually, Alan Rickman will be punished for what he did to Emma Thompson.
Any dad can be a stepdad if you use him to reach the top shelf
*dramatically gets out of bean bag chair for 20 minutes*
I’m the only person breathing through my nose at this Walmart
My husband said we should have one date night each month. I said, “Great! I’ll take Johnny Depp. Who do you want?”
No one is born racist. Racism is taught. By other races.
Me: *pressed against glass* they can’t keep us apart, they can’t deny our love, you’re my lobster
Aquarium owner: *into walkie talkie* security
Me: *being dragged away* WAIT FOR ME LEONARDO DA PINCHI