Can’t talk, competitively eating
*sharing nachos with my 17yo son
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[rescued at sea]
Coastguard: Where are the others?
Me: Had to eat them.
CG: You were out there for 4 hours.
M: They really got on my nerves.
Some of you have never been told to ‘Leave room for the Holy Spirit’ by an old nun with a ruler while slow-dancing to Boyz 2 Men at your Grade 8 dance and it shows
Me: Hope it’s ok if I sleep in the nude
Guy next to me on the plane: WTF dude?
Interviewer: It says here you’re good with ‘grammars’?
Me: Very yes.
*carpools to work*
Damnit Karen can you just match the windshield wiper setting to the frequency of raindrops
Me: (Sneezes)
Microchip in my left arm: Bless you
she’s a 10 but Excel thinks she’s October
Me: This spaghetti is spicy.
Aquarium Employee: Did you just bite an electric eel
mechanics be like
“Sir how did you survive the snowmageddon?”
“I stayed in”
“Oh”
HIM: I love reading big novels.
ME: No kidding, so do I!
*I whip out one of those oversized picture books they use in kindergarten*
Son: Dad, you work so hard and never get any credit. You’re like a superhero!
Dad: Nice try. You’re still not getting the Internet password.
A friend of mine is thankful she won a position on the PTA board and now we can’t be friends.
Doctors penmanship is so poor because they’re actually making fun of you to the pharmacist
Me: i don’t believe in marriage
Also me: i will meet my husband through twitter
Me: (squeezing into a gown) I’m so sick of the fashion industry. Who do you even make these clothes for? Children?
Disney Store clerk: Yes.
Everyone always tells me I look young for my age, especially since I started telling them that I’m 72
[first day as a human being] wow there are a lot of us, this seems promising 🙂 it appears that we’re all in this togeth-
It’s 2014 and somehow we still don’t have a car mirror that can make objects appear exactly as far away as they are.
“So kids, I was married to your mom & I met this girl on Twitter, we started DMing and one thing led to another”
-How I Met Your Stepmother
I went to the doctor this morning and I have mono.
At my age I think I should have surround sound.
Her: so yesterday, I was sweeping—
Me: must be the season of the witch LMAO
Her: ugh that is IT *turns me into a newt*
[I die and appear in a mysterious place]
me: woah, is this heaven or hell?
guy: here’s a giant plate of linguine
me: must be heaven!
guy: you have to eat it without the twirl technique
me: aw hell
(At the Gym)
Manager: Sir…I’m sorry but you’re required to wear a mask at all times on the gym floor.
Me: *sweating, panting and reaching around my face
I think…I think I swallowed it.
Child: [eating cereal]
Me [looking at table]: WOW. Not a single piece of cereal spilled on the table?! Nice job.
Child: Thank you.
Me [taking a step]: *crunch*
Child:
Me: There it is.
[Driving home from restaurant]
WIFE:
ME: What?
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE:
ME: Sheesh. All I did was call the gluten-free stuff “de-floured”
[inventing the knife] What if a stick was mad
if you text me “let’s get 7-11 hot dogs” why are you surprised when I bring you 9 of them
Know your Norse mythology. Loki. The trickster. Devised the death of heroic god Baldr and those chips that can’t be opened without scissors.