i was just about to start being a good person but then i got mildly inconvenienced
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“Is he going to be my new dad?” – My 20 y. o. son any time I speak to any man for any reason.
Girl, are you a glass of water because I think you’re about to throw yourself at me.
“There’s nothing wrong with being single.”
No.
“I’ve got plenty of time.”
Sure.
“I’m not lonely.”
Sir, are you going to buy anything?
Planning to edit the three Hobbit movies into one watchable movie. Should I use Instagram or Vine?
got asked to be a godparent proving god has lowered her recruitment standards
Pee your name in the snow and you’ll quickly understand why they teach cursive in our schools.
Wow, wife was pissed when she found out I donated her sweater to Goodwill, but not as mad as she would have been if she’d found out I shrunk it in the dryer.
1.25pm: Do you love me more than football?
4.25pm: Yes, of course.
Yelling at your kid when they’re your height just hits different.
[at party]
friend: is dave coming?
me: cool dave or dave who likes watering holes & has amnesia?
Dave: well, well, well..who do we have here
[Date]
Him: I don’t trust myself around you
Her(flirtatiously): Oh, stop
Him: I bought an iPad on your credit card when you went to bathroom
“I can’t believe putting bears in charge of the hospital administration system didn’t work out. They just kept eating all the patients!”
“Maybe we should let the bears choose the doctors?”
“And run the hospital cafeteria!”
“More bear involvement is obviously the answer!”
I just want to be attractive enough to be considered for a part in an STD medication commercial.
HANNIBAL: thanks for coming over for dinner
HALF-EATEN CANADIAN: thanks for having me
We don’t know what’s in the vaccine. Could be anything. Microchips? Sure. Toxins? Maybe. Predatory birds? Definitely. This is all a plot to fill us full of falcons because the CDC is in the pocket of Big Talon.
INTERVIEWER: Your greatest weakness?
ME: I’m told my laugh is sinister.
INTERVIEWER: Lol. That can’t be true.
ME: Mwahahaha. I know, right.
It’s the year 2354, the world is now like that futuristic Bruce Willis movie.
No, the other one.
No, the other one.
No, the other one.
No,
Trust the software, it knows things you and I do not!
If you like piña coladas / Getting caught in the rain / Drink this piña colada / It was caught in the rain
do mermaids get waxed or descaled
If you put Mattel dolls in a line they become a Barbie queue.
Back to the Future IV: Marty Mcfly stops being obsessed with his own family and goes back in time to kill Hitler.
Eating Doritos is fun, but there’s always that one that gets in your mouth and decides it’s not gonna die without putting up a fight, so it stands up and pokes you in the gums.
If someone ever asks you to show up naked underneath a trench coat at their hotel…make sure you get the room number right.
People who dip their pizza in ranch dressing have killed and will kill again.
Asking my boyfriend if he’d still love me if I was one of those weird aliens that drank coffee and babbled angrily at Men in Black passing by
If you’re happy and you know it…
Watch the news.
when i was in costa rica a waiter dropped off a bottle of ketchup unprompted so yes i have experienced racism as a white man
Being goth is hard. The curse on your boss is not working. Ravens are impossible to train. Deodorant marks on your black clothes. Ugh.