TOASTER OVEN: Do you really need another Hot Pocket?
ME: You shut your mouth
TO: If I shut my mouth will you stop putting Hot Pockets in it
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*LIGHTHOUSE*
BATMAN – You call?
L/HOUSE KEEPER – Shit, not again man. I am so sorry.
BATMAN – Dead seagull on the light?
LK -*Nods*
[1st day as lifeguard]
Guy: there’s someone drowning in the water
Me [not looking up from phone]: well it’d be hard to drown in the sand
FRIEND: What’s the movie, where they bring that monster to life and then have to destroy it?
[at the same time]
HER: Frankenstein.
ME: Frosty the Snowman.
Plain white T’s: A thousands miles seems pretty far, but they’ve got plans and trains and cars
The proclaimers: *after walking 500 miles and 500 more* ……they have…. WHAT?!
I don’t know what to do
Today I lost a push-ups competition to my 4 year-old son. He did 2 push-ups and its not important how many i could or couldn’t do because its all about having fun and him helping me off the ground
Devil: Welcome to Hell. Do you know why you’re here?
Me: Um…
D: Seriously?
M: …
D: Arianna, you told your kids they couldn’t have brownie dough because it would give them salmonella and then you ate that shit with your hands after they left.
M: AND ID DO IT AGAIN
Me: [*Drinks water]
My Liver: New liquid, who dis?
If I’ve said it once, I’ve said it a thousand times: “I can’t keep track of how often I say things.”
Hour 6 without sex:
(oh, you mean with someone else?)
Year 8 without sex:
Leaving wrapping paper and a bow on my living room floor for my Roomba’s birthday
Whoever invented the boomerang had trouble letting go.
Google, Microsoft and Disney are
among suitors for TwitterWill it be
Twoogle ?
Twindows ?
The Wonderful World of Tweets ?Be prepared
If you want to suddenly be surrounded by small children & animals, crinkle a candy wrapper.
The lifeboat dilemma: the guy everyone wants to kill isn’t the one they want to eat.
oh ffs josh did you not read the email
I used to be the coolest kid in the 90s with a Windows 3.1 desktop. Now I have people on the train telling me that my phone’s flashlight is on
every nextdoor post is like “i saw a car drive by my house without asking my permission first. do i call the fbi or the national guard?”
“Describe yourself in 4 words.”
Bad at counting.
Someone being big spoon for me is not enough. I need to get ladled.
me: I need to borrow a math textbook
librarian: edition?
me: and subtraction if you have it
Can u imagine getting married and having a family and staying in love until u die, then waiting in the afterlife for your wife to join you and she finally dies and ditches u for a dude she knew for three days on a boat instead?? Anyway I’d give Titanic a 9/10
Today I cleared cache and deleted cookies without making nom nom nom cookie monster noises. Because I’m a grown up.
Jk. SNACK TIME! NOM NOM NOM
I always eat cake like I’m about to be caught.
i love that bands still pretend to leave before their encore. like peekaboo for adults
Tried to shop at the plagiarism store, unfortunately they only take credit.
When I go jogging, I listen to a portable CD player, so people think I’ve been running for 10 years.
I just saw The Big Sick and now I’m negotiating with my doctor to place me in a medically induced coma and then speed dial my true love.
Spy balloons monitor our skies and our psyche
*playing a California Raisins record for a friend* Pretty good right? These are raisins playing all the instruments