me: *rubs lamp*
genie: I will grant you three wishes
me: can you go away I’m rubbing this lamp
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My dog went to his room but left a decoy and I legit thought he was still sitting next to me for like two hours
Scooby and the Gang *continually shocked when a regular dude turns out to be a monster*
Me: same
Got fired from my job at Footlocker for trying to feed myself to the crocs.
See a penny, pick it up, then all day you just have a dirty penny in your pocket
I’ve reached the age where that spot on my arm could either be a questionable mole or dried nacho cheese.
Golfer: *lining up his shot* what do you think?
Me (first day as a caddy): *reaching for a club* i think you should try your best
If I had money, my life would be pretty much the same, but my dogs would destroy much nicer shit
ham: accepted, non-offensive
hamn: curse, extremely forbidden
Just went through a month of transactions on my bank account because someone has been spending my money… and lo and behold – it was me
i enjoy driving and flying on planes because they both allow me to experience my unrelenting and constant fear of dying but also i get to sit down
My cat has taught me that an 80:20 ratio of sleep to physical activity is really the way to go
It’s only a restroom if you fall asleep in the stall.
Kids are fun if you enjoy saying things like, “read the room,” only to have someone start reading literally everything there is to read in said room, out loud.
Can Happiness buy money?
[being haunted]
Me: *tries to text ghostbusters*
Ghost: actually you have to call them, they’re pretty specific about that
Me:
Ghost:
Me: you know what being haunted is fine
wife: you said you were going to organize the garage during the pandemic
me: I said NEXT pandemic
Around a third (42%) of parenting is pretending you understand your child’s homework
I have two options:
1) go and pick up my son from after school club and get absolutely soaked in the rain.
2) leave him there for the weekend.
Had a dream that someone was gently rubbing my forehead with sandpaper. Woke up to find my cat gently rubbing my forehead with sandpaper.
tired of age gap discourse. now let’s do vibes gap discourse, where one person in a couple lights up a room and the other is basically a sim
My nephew Lyle just explained to me the “F” in “F Bomb” stands for “friendship.”
F Bombs for everyone! 😃
I didn’t forget your birthday I just forgot today’s date.
-me, forgetting your birthday
Him: You’re perfect
Me: Nooooo
Him: Ok, close
Me: Wait what’s wrong with me?
“Alex is visiting later tonight.”
Alex from work or Alex the astronaut with amazing hearing?
[From the moon] It’s not me, Thelma. Hi Bob.
Parenting is playing hide and seek with your kids but never trying to find them because you enjoy the downtime
Parents be like “i don’t have a favorite child” then use one of your siblings birth dates as a password
“It’s pretty neat how the laundry keeps washing and folding itself.”
-my family
It’s actually Dr. whatever
A high five is like a regular five that laughs at everything and gets the munchies.
Johnny Depps wife filed for divorce, thanks a lot Australia! This is why nice people don’t visit you!