Why is Iron Man’s arch nemesis not Wrinkle Man?
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As a girl who grew up with an annoying little sister the most unrealistic thing about Frozen is how Elsa never tried to kill Anna on purpose
I don’t sit on the floor without a detailed plan on how to get back up
sloth [finally arriving at his prison cell]
prison guard: ok you’re free to go
My favorite outdoor activity is looking for shade.
I met a girl at a club the other night and she told me she’d show me a good time.
When we got outside, she ran 100m in 9.69 seconds.
*quietly opens cheese wrapper*
*dogs come running from upstairs*
Me: How the hell did you hear that?
[10 minutes later]
*gf quietly opens bag of chips*
Me: (from upstairs) ARE THOSE MY CHIPS?
I hate what you’ve done with the place.
“Am I the only one who-?”
There are over 7 billion people on earth. No. No you’re not the only one.
I like putting my socks on the hot dog spinner at 7-Eleven so they get toasty warm and so that I attract dogs towards me all day long
(at the pearly gates)
St. Peter: Say “worchestershire”
Me: Oh God I knew it
I prefer to date a man after I see how well he treats his wife.
ex: no one will ever love you like I do.
me: promise?
Me: “Whose bra is that?”
Daughter: “Mine.”
Me: “Why is it on the kitchen windowsill?”
Daughter: “I took it off to eat.”
There’s nothing funnier than a grown man aggressively dancing at somebody.
Pre-Having Daughters:
*Hates hearing “NO” from womenPost-Having Daughters:
*Teaches them “NO” in 167 different languages including Klingon
Well well well if it isn’t the guy whose lawn I woke up on
“Insomnia sure is frustrating” he said wide-awakely.
*kid sits down*
Sorting Hat: HUFFLEPUFF*another kid*
Sorting Hat: GRYFFINDOR*me*
Sorting Hat: THERAPY
Radiohead fans, this is for you.
When you hug someone, think of all the poop you are just inches away from.
I caught my 6-year-old trying to hide a banana peel to save it for later because he wants to make a craft with it “maybe next week.”
ME: I was just stung by a WASP.
FRIEND: Are you hurt?!
ME: Yes, she said my hair is dry, and my handbag should be on a hobo’s stick.
[cranking up the heat on my slow cooker]
Me: *whispers* slow cook it faster
I like when the doctor says nice things about me (cool shoes) and I don’t like when the doctor says mean things about me (bad cholesterol, need more exercise, drink less, actually the shoes suck)
9yo: Mom, do you know where the hairbrush is?
Me: [brushing my hair with a fork] No.
Most bags of sand live a tough life stopping floods. But some, the lucky ones, live a leisurely life tied to the basket of a hot air balloon
The feeling of peace when amongst the trees quickly disappears when you notice a coyote nonchalantly walking towards you.
Dec 24: Christmas Eve
Dec 25: Christmas Day
Dec 26: Boxing Day
Dec 27-30: Every day feels like a Sunday, proof that time is a social construct
Dec 31: New Year’s Eve
Jan 1: New Year’s Day
Jan 2: Reality hits
I’ve just realized… gun to my head and i have to spell diarrhea… I’m dead
One of the perks of getting older is if you encounter an organ harvester in a dark alley they usually just ignore you.