You know that confused look old people get when looking at new technology?
I’m like that, but with salad.
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LinkedIn is severely overestimating how often I “congratulate” people.
My dog sure barks a lot for someone who needs a pep talk during thunderstorms
Me: I’m way tougher than you.
Wife: I gave birth twice without an epidural.
Me: So?
Wife: You called in sick for an ice cream headache.
*scroll*
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[I just learned that different colors of the heart emoji mean different things]
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My kid just ended a call with his teacher by saying “this call has been going on a bit too long bye” and honestly, goals.
I drove past the prison and saw a small man climbing down a wall.
I thought, well that’s a little condescending.
*drinking water* Ahh, yes. Surely this single glass will reverse what I did to my body this weekend.
I’m a really friendly person unless you try and make small talk with me
I asked my imaginary friend if I was emotionally stable, and she said yes, so…
reporter: tell us how you thwarted the robbery
me: [shrugs] he told us to put our hands where he could see them so I put them over his eyes
*sees melted chocolate swirling in tv ad*
ooooh yeah
*raisins fall into the chocolate in slo mo*
nooooo
*punches hole in wall*
I just stopped by to water my horse.
Go ahead and kidnap me. You’ll return me when my meds wear off.
Indiana Jones and that one time he went to his actual job
CASHIER: have a nice day
ME: how
‘Christ on a bike’, ‘Jesus is my co-pilot’, ‘Jesus take the wheel’ – stop making an iron age carpenter operate complex machinery
Obi-Wan: it’s over, Anakin. i have learned how to stave off a mountain lion attack
Anakin: you underestimate my power
Obi-Wan; *raises arms above his head in order to appear larger, begins to scream*
They say you are what you eat.
*opens a big bag of nuts
The 3 types of Christmas movies:
1. Movies about Santa.
2.People being changed by the Christmas spirit.
3. Die Hard
Priest: tell me your confessions
Me: I said the f word twice this week
Priest: [70% sure I stole his meatball sub from the church fridge] anything else
[Getting waterboarded]
“Um, sir the subject isn’t responding to interrogation, he’s just getting bigger”
[Me, a sponge]
“MwahahaHAHAHAA”
me: hello 911
911: look, we’ve already asked your neighbor to return your leaf blower ok
There’s no “i” in team. Unless you’re illiterate. Then there’s an “i” in everything. More creim in mi cofii pleis
you could post a photo of a celebrity like “she looked so cool in the 90s” and some freak will quote tweet it like “Yeah, she looked so cool in the outfit she wore to go run over 15 people with her car on June 4th, 1993.” and it’s like i’m sorry why would i know about that
*steps out of the time machine* Me: what year is this?
Wife: Stop playing with the washing machine.
date: what is this plate scribbled on with a marker
me: ah yes *kisses fingertips* my signature dish
Sometimes I’ll go to a grocery store and rotate all of the Tide detergents 90 degrees and yell “THE TIDES HAVE TURNED!” until I’m kicked out
My teenager just stuck one of her AirPods in my ear and Eminem was playing. She looked me dead in the eye, as if I haven’t blasted this a million times, and had the audacity to ask, “isn’t he good?””
english teacher: *yelling* I am APPALLED
me:
me: ok
me: what is a pald
Sir, your wife was stabbed ten times, but the missing piece is the murder weapon. So far we have nothing, Mr *checks notes* Scissorhands.