The waitress brought me pulled pork sliders instead of beef sliders so I showed her who was boss
By quietly finishing my meal and tipping 30%
You Might Also Like
One of my favorite things about sports is when they put the designated object in the designated area ahhhh what a rush
Find someone more giddy with excitement than my husband who stopped the car between the Canada-US border to joke that we left the kids in another country
ME: I can’t find my glasses
SON: They’re on your head
ME: [beer spilling down my face] lmao not again
no!! no!!!!!!
Every time I have to get a new driver’s license it is impossible for me to achieve. I cannot collect four documents with my name on it. I simply cannot!!! I don’t know where any are. I will drive you over to my house and show you my stuff to prove I live there and can drive.
Twitter is the new Circuit City grift 🤣
My husband washed my favorite sweatshirt (he’s so sweet) and I said please don’t put it in the dryer, it will shrink.
Husband, taking clothes out of the dryer an hour later, “Here’s your favorite sweatshirt I washed for you! It looks smaller though, weird.”
I Google image searched the phrase “Google image search” and accidentally opened a portal to hell.
I’m “that burger I ate is fighting back” years old.
“Daddy, why is it dark at night?”
It gives the ghosts and zombies a time to run around and collect little kids. Goodnight, hunny.
Well, I’ve put it off long enough. I guess I should check on those wraith-like noises coming from the attic. I’ll be right back.
Me, at 20: I’d really like kids one day!
Me: at 40 with 3 kids: I’ve changed my mind
McDonald’s just offered me a coupon book to promote the mcrib in a tweet?? Lmao no thanks,, im not THAT cheap. Not like the McDonald’s™️ McRib™️ sandwich. So tangy. So delicious. A little slab of heaven for a mere $2.99 now available for a limited time only
me: someone stole my glasses
cop: what did they look like
me: blurry
People say eye contact is important when flirting, but when I put my finger in someone’s eye they never seem to like it.
Nothing says I mean business like wearing a hospital gown to the pharmacy.
I like to flush the toilet a few times when I’m on the phone with someone who calls me so they know not to do that again
Attack today with a positive attitude. Absolutely destroy it with good vibes. Murder its family with hope.
barista: how do u take your coffee
me, a twitter idiot: with my hand
How wrong was this guy?
Parenting is letting the kids fight it out over who showers first while you sneak away to take your own shower without interruption.
“Church of England Formally Approves Female Bishops”. Congratulations British women! You can now move diagonally!
“I Spy” is the easiest game to win at cause you can just keep being like “nope that’s not it”
“Rethink this?” buddy I didn’t even think this the first time
What I really need is a woman who loves me for my money but doesn’t understand math.
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I research genomes
Me: *trying to impress* I love those guys, but you know it’s actually pronounced ‘gnomes’
Him: You’ll always be the one that got away. Me: Escaped. Him: What? Me: I said Thanks.
*bugs bunny*
bunny: stop bothering me
I have a neighbor who will drone on for 15 minutes with the most boring stories ever.
Then when you start to talk she stares off into the distance like she’s looking for someone on a horse to come save her.