Please, keep trying unsuccessfully to suck the snot back up in your nose instead of using a tissue. Everyone loves the noise you’re making.
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Me: I’ll do anything to get healthy this year.
Doctor: Are you willing to cut down on sugar, bread, and alcohol?
Me: Let’s revisit this again next year.
Cop: you failed to obey the stop sign
Me: I got lost in the music
C: what song?
M: I’d rather not say
C: what song?!?
M: I saw the sign
I just shaved my armpits after such an extended hiatus that my razor acted as little more than a comb. Should have scythed first.
My daughter is playing “you can’t find me, Mommy”… I’m playing “I’m not trying, Suckaaaa”.
Friend: can I borrow £20?
Me: No.
*slides me £20
Friend: How about now?
Is the speed limit the same if you’re driving in reverse?
Can someone call me right now? I’m at the dog park and my ringtone is a doorbell.
i dont know much about politics but have we ever tried turning a senator into a llama and teaming him up with a working guy to teach him empathy
Sometimes I dream I’m a sherpa. Just sherpa-ing up a large mountain made of cheese.
Let me sing you the song of my people
*moves and 97 joints pop*
All of my passwords are the names of various “Friends” characters. Except for Ross. I’ve never used Ross. Not after what he did to Rachel.
[before horsepower was invented]
car salesman: this baby has the strength of 7000 raccoons
The human mind is capable of things you can’t even imagine.
Which is a bit of a design flaw really.
I have a date with a sexy, young doctor. Technically, it’s called an appointment. But whatever.
This is what happens when an AP style journalist marries an English major and the English major edits the wedding website copy
Me: NOT THIS TIME
Kids: *already running away with my pants*
I want to be buried in a spring loaded casket filled with confetti.
I just want a future archaeologist to have a great day.
Drugs are not the answer. Unless the question is “What are you in for?”
I’m not an expert but still waiting for the day that I will actually use x²+y+8[(x+2y² = a-z]+2x³+(-2z = 2.4)+10y-5Z³ = k= 9 in real life.
A Doctor’s Guide on Pain Management: “What’s your pain level on a scale of 1-10?”
1 – “Why are you here?”
2
3
4 – “That’s not that bad, you can manage.”
5
6
7 – “You’re exaggerating.”
8
9
10 – “You’re lying.”
I can tell when I’m not wanted. I’m not gonna leave or anything but I can tell.
I always go the extra mile at work. That’s why I’m a terrible taxi driver.
*trying to explain to the dog why we aren’t keeping the 3 foot traffic cone he found* listen babe I know you’re colorblind so this is a little hard to understand, but it matches literally nothing in the house. you’re going to obliterate the vibe.
gonorrhea would’ve been a good name for a diarrhea medicine.
As an aging millennial you may recognize me from popular hits such as, ‘I need to pencil in my eyebrows’ and ‘Omg this grocery store is playing my jams’
Don’t cry because it’s over, scowl because you had to participate.
If you spend “up to $9000” on my funeral it better be on some kind of mechanism that makes me sit up in the casket when people walk by.
“I think this chlorine is healing my anal fissure.” – Things not to say in a swimming pool. Apparently.
*young people decide to avoid hard drugs and lead healthier lifestyles*
BUSINESS INSIDER HEADLINE: millenials are killing the meth industry
I should be able to preheat my bed like an oven