Cut out the middleman and throw all your food right into the whiskey.
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Mrs. Kowalski left the class mortified, unable to believe just how badly she’d misinterpreted what they had meant by Pole dancing.
You excited to watch the Super Bowl?
“Ya, but only cuz the commercials.”
[sounds of man being beaten to death with bowl of chips and dip]
My doctor said my cervix is perfect.
I’m still blushing.
me opening up to someone
Girl on Facebook
Heyy i have not seen u since high school.
Me. It’s been a while.
Her. Yea been married 6 years now : )
Me. Unfriend
“Come to me flesh of my flesh”.
*embarrassing teenagers is easy.
“Where was you at?”
I was probably not skipping English class.
Facebook sent me a notification….unfortunately, my meth lab on Farmville blew up.
The 7-yr old has the flu so I’m letting her lick the envelopes of all my credit card bills.
One time I put the burnt side of a grilled cheese face down on my child’s plate and almost got away with it.
One of my shoes has developed a squeak and now any walking I do has a slightly downcast Charlie Brown quality to it
Brought twins to a corn maze & put them at 2 different points so people thought they kept passing the same row. The tricycles really sold it
Her: My dad’s sister does my taxes
Me: So she’s your accountAunt? Lol, hey, where are you going?
getting a cast iron skillet so i can still not do my dishes, but now people will think i’m classy
Nephew: Your Christmas hat is ugly. But that’s okay…
Me: Why is it okay that it’s ugly?
Nephew: It matches your face!
Me: 😳😳
Doctor: have you been getting enough fiber?
Me: this summer I accidentally ate a fly
I need to get baked …goods for the staff party this afternoon.
Thanks, Google, probably could have managed those last two letters myself
I always fear that oneday I will enter my house and find a thief, knocked out unconscious by the things fallen on his head from some closet
famous: well-known for Good reasons
infamous: well-known for Bad reasons
therefore
flammable: catches on fire for Good reasons
inflammable: catches on fire for Bad reasons
me: [getting murdered]
murderer: [murdering]
murderer’s mom: you’re wearing that to do murder?
murderer: unbelievable
Soft pretzels come one of two ways:
– no salt
– enough salt for ten miles of roadway before a snowstorm
Washing machine: Hey, your laundry’s done.
Me: May I have it?
Washing machine: No, hang on, I need 30 seconds to say goodbye.
Rasputin never died that day, as an immortal being. He hid for decades, before dropping the “Ras” and slipping back into Russian politics.
I have never been eaten by a tiger. If you want advice on how not to be eaten by a tiger, just ask.
Please note: advice may not work if you are near a tiger.
Dear bill collectors, if you want me to answer the phone, instead of “no caller ID” try something like “free shoes”
SON: *in James Bond costume*
Look Daddy, I’m a spy!ME: Well if that’s how you introduce yourself, you’re a really shit one.
SERGEANT: we need you to take out the sniper
ME: [stops licking ice cream cone] now?
[briefing]
CIA DIRECTOR: We have a leak…
CIA PLUMBER: (slowly stands up)
CIA DIRECTOR: In our operation.
CP: (slowly sits back down)
Oh, I just remembered. You’re boring…. and my legs work!