Kinda cool how Earth is the largest planet in the whole world.
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Sharks don’t kill people. Tornados with sharks kill people.
me: hey big boy
friend: please don’t talk to the Lincoln memorial like that
Interviewer: If we hire you, where do you hope to be in five years?
Me: On paid administrative leave.
They irony of being hit by a Dodge.
Spider just landed on my shoulder. I didn’t want to kill it so I just fainted instead.
my daughter is never hungrier than immediately after refusing the food we’ve offered her
Me: Sometimes I don’t get Jo’s tweets.
Marta: Maybe you’re not high enough?
Me: * climbs tree
When people say “To be honest…”, it means that up to that point they’ve been lying.
DATE: Tell me about yourself
ME: I own 7 pens!
D: I meant, like, something personal
M:*Sadly* I lie about how many pens I own to impress ppl
*rubs lamp*
*genie comes out*
You get 3 wishes. Just no wishing for more wishes.
“I wish for more genies.”
I SAID NO WI- oooh, you’re good.
Son, “Something wicked this way comes.”
-me, walking into the kitchen
My niece calls me her ankle. I call her my knees.
We are a joint family.
[Smoke billows from a pizza Oven at Papa Johns HQ]
Me: I see a new Papa has been chosen.
hey parents who say “someday your kids won’t want to be around you”
… when can I look forward to that starting?
me: i’m sorry
gordon ramsay: yes donkey sorry for what?
me: i’m sorry i burnt the quesadillas
gordon ramsay: that’s better big boy
me: look man you’re gonna have to leave this is a private residence
me as a kidnapper sending my second ransom letter when I haven’t gotten a response yet to my first one: hi all! just following up
*Ghost snatches phone from me*
“Who you gonna call now?”
People in my neighborhood think I’m power walking, but really I’m just trying to get home to poop.
Is that a banana in your pocket or… oh wait that is a banana. Sir I’m with super market security. Please come with me.
I was in Australia once and a newscaster said in the cutest accent that a swimmer was “taken” by a shark. I asked if that meant they died and my friend said, “Well yes, but no worries, it happens. Sharks do that.”
And that’s the most Australian thing I’ve ever heard.
If vampires drink too much blood do they get a fangover *throws phone in a lake
Do you ever have irrational anger at some random person in your life you will never see again? For me it’s that lady who woke me up for snoring during Cats.
Was complaining to my mom about my daughter’s attitude and she told me I should’ve named her payback.
[Shouts to passing jogger]
“Is there cake?”
Would you get your phone if you dropped it in a toilet?
1996: eww that’s gross
2016: head first without thinking
How did ppl describe the size of hail before the advent of sports?
That snake Lucifer sent into the Garden of Eden was actually meant to be a cat but it didn’t feel like taking orders.
Me having to explain to another kid’s dad why he can’t come to my kid’s birthday party
Friend: hey man can you recommend a good book to prepare us for having a toddler?
Me: yeah try the Strange Case of Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde.
Pro Tip: when taking a shower in an unfamiliar bathroom, remember to figure out the shower faucet BEFORE removing your clothing.