Anyone else having a near life experience today?
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7yo: Did you drink coffee before we were born?
Me: Yes
7yo: Did you eat pancakes?
Me: Yes
7yo: What didn’t you do?
Me: Talk while peeing.
Any 4 pics of Alan Rickman together looks like an amazing 80’s new wave band you wish existed.
*calls ex wife three weeks after the divorce* what kind of yogurt do I like?
I don’t know what’s more embarrassing, accidentally sending nudes to your boss or getting a pay decrease as a result of your nudes.
I’m vacuuming all the snacks out of the couch in the game room and my dog is devastated because I found her secret stash.
DEATH: You’re grounded! Get back here!
DEATH’S DAUGHTER: Whatever. *gets on motorcycle, zooms across tightrope*
DEATH: HOW DARE YOU DEFY ME!
dr: what happened here
me: i got bit by a horse when I tried to put a birthday hat on him
dr: why
me: wasn’t his birthday I guess
I’m glad my bed can’t speak because it has seen me in some weird positions
I’m having stuff I ordered delivered to an Amazon hub for pickup, but I didn’t realize you have to give them your Amazon username. So, I’m going to have to walk in and say, “Picking up a package for Lamont Sanford’s Friend Rollo.”
*everytime I introduce dad*
this is the man who’s not proud of me
Things were going well with my date, until she noticed my Roomba was a Frisbee glued to a bunch of rats
The sun is 100% solar-powered.
Took my daughter to get preschool shots today. I know she’s a bit young for alcohol, but we had to celebrate this new chapter in her life.
A realistic Godzilla movie would be 2 cats defeating him by tripping him and purring on his legs while he’s trying to walk down a mountain.
If your job doesn’t have a dress code, start wearing scrubs to it. Don’t say anything just do it and don’t answer any questions about it either
me: [trying to pronounce gnocchi] “gnocc gnocc-”
waiter: “who’s there? haha”
me: “this isn’t a joke son”
Don’t judge me because I only have $4 in my pocket.
Judge me because I stole it off my daughter’s night stand.
Walking near the square a woman stopped me to offer a free skin care sample. Then she accurately guessed my age range. Some nerve!
For Earth Day, turn on your air conditioner and open your doors and windows. If we all work together, we can totally cool this planet.
[mysterious old lady flips tarot card revealing a dude who looks exactly like me flying a hot air balloon into power lines]
Me: is that good
For sale: baby shoes. tried to wear them. didn’t realise they were for a baby.
him: I think we should see other people
me: is that on hulu or netflix
Beauty and the Beast
Buying a scrub brush on a stick for your back because you need something to remind you that you are single, even in the shower.
*Gets haircut*
“Omg I love it”*Ten minutes later*
“Dear God what have I done?”
[arrest]
ME: you’ve got the wrong g-
COP: tell it to the judge
[court]
ME: your honor, that cop has the wrong glasses for his face shape
Blowing your load on a girl counts as a baby shower right ?
I accidently invited people to our house and now I have to finish painting the bathroom I started 8 months ago.
The U.S. Military is the most fearsome fighting force the world’s ever known. That we’re amassing thousands at the border to “repel” desperate women and children 100s of miles away is an insult – to those in uniform, to the intelligence of the American people, and to our values.
Has anyone tried cutting the pandemic with a knife to make sure it isn’t actually an illusion cake?