Shot my first turkey today. . scared the shit out of everyone in the frozen food section…
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Just saw a rainbow………great now the sky is gay
I just saw a woman with a “Dog Mom” bumper sticker. And while the kid in the back seat wasn’t great looking, I still thought it was kinda harsh.
friend: What’s one thing marriage has taught you?
me: If you walk into the house eating a candy bar you better have one for her too
Anyone have a recipe for chocolate covered strawberries?
A family friend recently died, and it got me thinking. Today I’m going to collect all the money people owe me before it’s too late.
Show me your pushy.
– Sean Connery shext
Age is a hoax perpetuated by Big Birthday Card to keep us from giving the same card every year.
According to my kids’ Christmas lists, they think this parenting gig pays pretty well.
I was 16 when I first saw a dream-catcher, but back then everyone called them school careers advisors
Welcome to Twitter 2 point Uh oh.
A haunted house, but instead of masked creatures it’s filled with everyone’s mother-in-laws.
Once you realize I’m an idiot, my tweets start to make a lot more sense.
My kid asked where babies come from and I said everywhere, man, they’re worldwide.
My daughter was giving me major attitude so I asked her if she’s seen Rapunzel and she said yes and I said keep it up and you’ll be locked in your room like that tower until your hair grows that long.
*eats French fries out of a pack of cigarettes*
I’m bored, think I’ll go to the mall, find a great parking spot, sit in my car with my reverse lights on
HER: NNNNNNNN
ME: [gently rolling her onto her side]
HER: ZZZZZZZZ
The flintstones are proof that man lived with dinosaurs
Don’t look at me like you’ve never eaten a turkey leg in the shower
If I give up my seat for you on the bus, it’s my right to stand in front of you and stare down your blouse. I think it’s in the Bible.
6yo: I like my hair short and long. I want my hair to be short and long at the same time.
Me: *shows her a picture of a mullet*
6yo: Oh no.
That is the biggest doily I have ever seen.
Never commit a crime after eating Cheetos
INTERVIEWER: Where do you see yourself in five years?
ME: Probably my communication skills.
[Christmas]
6:30—kids are excited
7:30—kids are playing
8:00—kids are fighting
9:00—kids are crying
9:15—wife is yelling
9:30—I am drinking
This girl text me: “your adorable
I text back: no YOU’RE adorable
Now she likes me and I was just pointing out her typo…
I know a bunch of guys who are like Christian Grey but without the money and the handsomeness. They’re in jail.
I sympathize with the journalist intern assigned to uncover my scandalous past, only to stumble upon countless pictures of me indulging in gravy.
Say sliders to drugs
Say no to yes
Suddenly your entire body starts to vibrate. To your horror you realize it’s vibrating to the melody of the Benny Hill theme. This goes on for 2 hours, then it stops.
‘That’s enough punishment for now’, I whisper to myself, and put away the kazoodoo doll…